Tag Archives: funny

Tortoises that look like Phil Mitchell

6 Feb
Head like a testicle

Head like a testicle

Advertisements

Ebook

9 Jan

If you own a Kindle or have the Kindle app for your phone, you can purchase my Ebook. It contains all the best bits from this blog, and what’s more, it’s a bargain; just £0.77!

Things that cost more than my Ebook but aren’t as good and don’t last as long:

– A packet of biscuits

– Flowers

– A mail-order bride

– Lunch out at any fast food establishment

– Children

You get the idea…
To purchase Death on the Stairs for Kindle, please click the image below. If you do enjoy it, I’d be grateful if you could leave a good review on the Amazon website and perhaps even recommend it to friends. If you think it’s terrible, feel free to tell me.

You don’t have to buy it.
(PLEASE BUY IT)

A few kinds words from people on Twitter about the book:

About the Ebook: Death on the Stairs is a collection of amusing life stories, from both my childhood and adult life, including embarrassing moments, juvenile pranks, sexual liaisons and more. The stories in this book are, at times, puerile and quite strange. Be prepared to find out about when I got so angry with someone that I hid something in my anus, or when a friend decided to take a poo in a pint glass. You’ll read about an audacious childhood revenge prank, my encounter with a celebrity, the time I embarrassed myself in a crowded bar and more.

I look back on when I was a youngster and remember some of the things that I got up to with my friends and at school. Life was carefree and easy, I had no real worries, and I could put all my energy into experiencing life and what it had to offer. Those were indeed the days – the summer holiday breaks where I’d stay out all day climbing trees, playing football, making dens and trying to burn small insects, although, as you’ll find out, I did get up to a few unusual incidents. Being (or trying to be) an adult is much more difficult. Writing about my more ‘adult’ experiences has been a good way of getting over the more embarrassing ones.

As well as these anecdotes, I’ve included other short pieces of fiction, poems and copies of spoof adverts that I managed to sneak into the local newspaper.

 

Sloths that look like Ian Beale

9 Jan
Look at his little face.

Look at his little face.

Stray Nipple Hair

14 Jun

This is, without a doubt, the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me. Let me set the scene; it was a glorious Sunday afternoon, the sun was shining and I was sat in the pub with a large group of friends. Also with us, were a few people I hadn’t met before, but were ‘friends of friends’, so, being the gentleman I am, I was chatting to them and trying not to make myself look a twat.

It was soon my turn to get a round of drinks in. I took everyone’s order and made my way to the bar, asking Sue, one of the girls I’d only just met, to give me a hand with them. At the bar, we had a bit of awkward, forced conversation whilst waiting for the drinks. It was then that it happened. The most God awful thing that will happen to me for a long, long while.

As we stood making small talk, I noticed that she had a solitary stray dark hair on her top. She was wearing a white blouse, so it stood out really clearly. The hair was only a couple of centimeters long and positioned near her right breast. As soon as the words, “Oh, you’ve got a hair on you”, came out of my mouth, I knew I was making a mistake, for my hand raised upwards towards the hair in a bid to remove it.

This itself was bad, because as already mentioned, it was on her tit. However, it was too late to stop myself. My finger and thumb grabbed at the end of the hair like one of those mechanical claws at a funfair, that people waste money on trying to win a teddy bear. Unlike the mechanical claw though, I made a good connection, and in one swift motion, pulled the hair up and away from her top.

What I was expecting to happen was that the hair would come free, I’d rub my hands together to deposit it on the ground, she’d thank me, and we’d return to our friends with the drinks.

Only it didn’t.

As I pulled the hair away, Sue’s whole boob lunged forward towards me;  as if it were trying to break free. I pulled once more, a little harder, and again a her boob came at me, this time with more purpose. Taken aback, I stopped pulling, BUT MAINTAINED CONTACT with the hair, still holding it in between my finger and thumb.

It took a while for my brain to compute what was happening, and slowly the realisation dawned on me that, yes, the hair was actually attached to her boob (at a guess I’d say on her areola, but I cannot confirm this) and was in fact poking through her blouse. I looked up and made eye contact with Sue, slowly releasing my grip on her stray nipple hair. She was crimson red, mouth agape, staring back at me like I was Hitler, Stalin and Mugabe all rolled into one person.

I turned and walked out of the pub.

Bald eagles that look lke Shirley from Eastenders

13 Apr

Just an observation.

 

Squaaawwwkkk

Classifieds – Part 3

17 Feb

I have now received a ban from the newspaper for ‘consistenly breaching the terms and conditions’. Despite this, a few adverts continue to make it to print. Here are the latest, including a couple taken from the online edition, as I didn’t bother to buy the paper, thinking the adverts didn’t make it in.

 

 
 

Classifieds – Part 2

13 Jan

More adverts from the Bucks Free Press. Surely they’ll cotton on soon?

 
 
 
 
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
%d bloggers like this: