Tortoises that look like Phil Mitchell

Head like a testicle

Ebook

If you own a Kindle or have the Kindle app for your phone, you can purchase my Ebook. It contains all the best bits from this blog, and what’s more, it’s a bargain; just £0.77!

Things that cost more than my Ebook but aren’t as good and don’t last as long:

– A packet of biscuits

– Flowers

– A mail-order bride

– Lunch out at any fast food establishment

– Children

You get the idea…
To purchase Death on the Stairs for Kindle, please click the image below. If you do enjoy it, I’d be grateful if you could leave a good review on the Amazon website and perhaps even recommend it to friends. If you think it’s terrible, feel free to tell me.

You don’t have to buy it.
(PLEASE BUY IT)

A few kinds words from people on Twitter about the book:

About the Ebook: Death on the Stairs is a collection of amusing life stories, from both my childhood and adult life, including embarrassing moments, juvenile pranks, sexual liaisons and more. The stories in this book are, at times, puerile and quite strange. Be prepared to find out about when I got so angry with someone that I hid something in my anus, or when a friend decided to take a poo in a pint glass. You’ll read about an audacious childhood revenge prank, my encounter with a celebrity, the time I embarrassed myself in a crowded bar and more.

I look back on when I was a youngster and remember some of the things that I got up to with my friends and at school. Life was carefree and easy, I had no real worries, and I could put all my energy into experiencing life and what it had to offer. Those were indeed the days – the summer holiday breaks where I’d stay out all day climbing trees, playing football, making dens and trying to burn small insects, although, as you’ll find out, I did get up to a few unusual incidents. Being (or trying to be) an adult is much more difficult. Writing about my more ‘adult’ experiences has been a good way of getting over the more embarrassing ones.

As well as these anecdotes, I’ve included other short pieces of fiction, poems and copies of spoof adverts that I managed to sneak into the local newspaper.

 

Sloths that look like Ian Beale

Look at his little face.

Stray Nipple Hair

This is, without a doubt, the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me. Let me set the scene; it was a glorious Sunday afternoon, the sun was shining and I was sat in the pub with a large group of friends. Also with us, were a few people I hadn’t met before, but were ‘friends of friends’, so, being the gentleman I am, I was chatting to them and trying not to make myself look a twat.

It was soon my turn to get a round of drinks in. I took everyone’s order and made my way to the bar, asking Sue, one of the girls I’d only just met, to give me a hand with them. At the bar, we had a bit of awkward, forced conversation whilst waiting for the drinks. It was then that it happened. The most God awful thing that will happen to me for a long, long while.

As we stood making small talk, I noticed that she had a solitary stray dark hair on her top. She was wearing a white blouse, so it stood out really clearly. The hair was only a couple of centimeters long and positioned near her right breast. As soon as the words, “Oh, you’ve got a hair on you”, came out of my mouth, I knew I was making a mistake, for my hand raised upwards towards the hair in a bid to remove it.

This itself was bad, because as already mentioned, it was on her tit. However, it was too late to stop myself. My finger and thumb grabbed at the end of the hair like one of those mechanical claws at a funfair, that people waste money on trying to win a teddy bear. Unlike the mechanical claw though, I made a good connection, and in one swift motion, pulled the hair up and away from her top.

What I was expecting to happen was that the hair would come free, I’d rub my hands together to deposit it on the ground, she’d thank me, and we’d return to our friends with the drinks.

Only it didn’t.

As I pulled the hair away, Sue’s whole boob lunged forward towards me;  as if it were trying to break free. I pulled once more, a little harder, and again a her boob came at me, this time with more purpose. Taken aback, I stopped pulling, BUT MAINTAINED CONTACT with the hair, still holding it in between my finger and thumb.

It took a while for my brain to compute what was happening, and slowly the realisation dawned on me that, yes, the hair was actually attached to her boob (at a guess I’d say on her areola, but I cannot confirm this) and was in fact poking through her blouse. I looked up and made eye contact with Sue, slowly releasing my grip on her stray nipple hair. She was crimson red, mouth agape, staring back at me like I was Hitler, Stalin and Mugabe all rolled into one person.

I turned and walked out of the pub.

Bald eagles that look lke Shirley from Eastenders

Just an observation.

 

Classifieds – Part 3

I have now received a ban from the newspaper for ‘consistenly breaching the terms and conditions’. Despite this, a few adverts continue to make it to print. Here are the latest, including a couple taken from the online edition, as I didn’t bother to buy the paper, thinking the adverts didn’t make it in.

I’m Billy Mitchell

In Pets Corner

That’s magic!

See what I did there?

 

 

 

Classifieds – Part 2

More adverts from the Bucks Free Press. Surely they’ll cotton on soon?

 

 

 

 

 

Also helps you become invisible

Can also be used to grow single limbs

An ideal companion for your pink oboe

Careful on that roof, you might get a semi

Bring on the wall!

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Classifieds

I’ve taken great pleasure in sneaking these items into the classifieds section of the Bucks Free Press.

 

 

 

 

The must-have item for this season!

I actually received 2 phone calls for this item

The rarest of antiques

As good as new

The best town in the world.

Would be a bargain, if the bird was included.

An ideal present for someone with no arms. Or legs.

 

Gladiators

As I youngster, my usual Saturday afternoon would consist of hanging out with mates, playing football, Hide and Seek in the woods and pegging it away from houses that we’d chosen to ‘Knock and Run’ on. Then it was home for dinner; a takeaway if I was lucky, which I would eat sat in front of the TV watching my favourite program at the time; Gladiators.

Gladiators was pretty fucking immense. John Fashanu (Awooga!) and Ulrika Jonsson brought a gentle nature to proceedings; needed when surrounded by numerous Gladiators with their unforgiving attitudes. John’s wacky outfits and banter was ripe picking for Ulrika, who would often bounce a witty response back with great aplomb to Fashanu’s attempt at humour. Oh how we would chuckle to ourselves in my front room; my Dad would always remark on Ulrika, “Cracking bird isn’t she, that Ulrika? She should still do the weather in the mornings”. I would giggle and my Mum would throw a cushion at him.

Ulrika wasn't used to working with such a big tool. Or the Duel combat stick.

The contestants for the night’s show would then be revealed, including a short video clip of what they got up to in their normal everyday lives. I would take my empty plate out into the kitchen at this point; it was boring, I didn’t care what they did for a living. All I cared about were the Gladiators, they were my heroes, and in some cases, my wet dreams too. In no particular order, here is a list of my favourite Gladiators:

 Lampshade – She was the star lady for me. Her bronzed skin was lit up beautifully by the down-lighting off the bulb attached to the top of her head, covered by  the lampshade she wore to cover her face. Nobody quite knew what the lampshade was for. Many of my friends had suggested maybe she was missing an eye, or had been badly disfigured by a dagger whilst in training to become a Gladiator. Her signature move was called ‘Lights Out’ and this would be used in the event called Hang Tough. She would basically kick the contestant hard in the back of the head as they hung from the rings, knocking them out, and at the same time to the floor, making her victorious.

 Nightstalker– Not as muscular as many of the other male Gladiators, Nightstalker more than made up with this with his athletic body and devilish attitude. Nightstalker’s favourite event was The Gauntlet, and it was this event that gave him his moniker. Originally known as Gladiator X during training, Nightstalker shocked the producers of the show during The Gauntlet rehearsals by first choking his contestants with a silk neckerchief, before brutally raping them to submission. He famously received marriage proposals from the audience nearly every week, and also caused controversy when he made a small child eat the giant foam hand he was pointing at Nightstalker because he had called him an ‘angry idiot’.

 Aeroplane – This was the woman that all my mates fancied. With her brunette hair, soft pretty face, long slim legs and peachy arse, Aeroplane was definitely the Gladiator pin-up. The only hindrance to her ability to perform as a Gladiator, was her massive 38EE breasts, which she struggled to contain in her lycra top. Her nipples were also erect most of the time, not that we cared. Aeroplane was great at the cargo net, and her celebration dance would be to raise one leg above her head and strum it with her hand, as if it was a banjo. Perhaps, to her eternal embarrassment, the one stand out memory that most Aeroplane fans will have of her is the time she did a small fanny fart whilst being interviewed by Fashanu. Through tears of laughter, he managed to shout ‘Awooga!’ before wafting the air in front of his nose.

 Hunter – Hunter was always a formidable opponent for many of the contestants on Gladiators. With muscles on muscles, he resembled a condom filled with cocktail sausages, and with tribal war paint smeared all over his face, along with his menacing spear which he would use to stop people in their tracks, it was always a hell of a show when Hunter was on. One time, he threw his spear so hard, that it ripped through the shoulder of one male contender, and then carried on, wedging itself into The Awesome Travelator, rendering it useless for the Eliminator round. Instead, the two finalists had to have a head to head on a spacehopper. Hunter went on to play Dog the Bounty Hunter years later, where he would travel the globe in search of Bounties, as well as macaroons, body butter, and other coconut based products.

 Amazon – The only Gladiator that was a household name prior to the series starting, Amazon was played by Sharon Davies, the successful Olympic swimmer. Her career as a Gladiator though was far from impressive, as the distinct lack of water based challenges meant she was about as useful as a ginger in a heatwave. In fact, such was the ease at which contenders would beat her, she soon became water boy for all of the other Gladiators. Once the first series was over, she went on to play Gabby Logan, when she was ill and couldn’t make a TV appearance.

 Hippo – Only slightly smaller than Hunter, Hippo used a much different tactic during the rounds he competed. With his ebony skin, threatening sneer and bulging eyes it was a massive surprise to many to see that he was far from aggressive when it came to defeating his opponent. Rather than use brute force like all of the other Gladiators, Hippo would use charm and a softly spoken manner to talk contenders into a false sense of security, almost hypnotising them into a comatose state. It was a tactic since used by many, including Alison Hammond on This Morning. Hippo’s one standout moment came in series 2, when he drank four Panda Pops in a row before Duel, and still won.

 Cumquat – Probably the most agile and flexible of all the Gladiators, Cumquat was also very attractive. One of my mates at the time had her posters plastered all over his bedroom. Her signature move was the Cumquat Squat, used to great effect on Powerball, where she would rugby tackle her opponents, pin them down, squat over their stomach and feign defecation (although the Gladiators make-up department was so far ahead of its time in the nineties that it looked realistic). The sheer fright of being shit on would cause many contenders to drop out of the competition altogether. Cumquat also excelled at Swingshot (my favourite round) due to her snake-like hips and ability to almost float through the air.

 Golf – Golf was definitely the Gladiators’ pantomime villain. The audience would boo and hiss whenever he was on, but he was a really good Gladiator, particularly at The Wall. This was down to the fact he would use a driver, or sometimes a putter, to hook the legs of the contestants as they scarpered up the wall. In other rounds, he would take on the stature of a giant, by standing on the shoulders of his caddy. This was beneficial in rounds like Hang Tough where he could be hold onto the rings whilst his caddy stood on the floor. In fact, Golf was unbeaten on Hang Tough during his 6 year Gladiator stint. John Fashanu would always tease Golf, but it was all in jest and very good natured. Golf was such a popular Gladiator that whilst all of the others had ‘Another One Bites The Dust’ played after a victorious round of Hang Tough, Golf had his own version; ‘Another One Lands in the Sand.

10 ways to keep your man happy – using only a damp flannel

After the success of my XXXmas post (https://kylejwilkins.wordpress.com/2011/12/06/xxxmas/) , I realised that not everyone likes Christmas and so, would not have many of the festive accessories suggested for use in the bedroom to hand.

As a result, I’ve complied a short list of 10 ways you can please your partner with an item that every household is bound to have; a damp flannel. Why spend hundreds of pounds at Agent Provocateur when you can please your man on the cheap? So sit back, read and then go and grab that flannel from the bathroom – things are about to get damp, in more ways than one.

1) Gentle Spanking — Whip him gently with a warm, damp flannel over his back, his thighs and  shoulders. Watch his toes curl. Careful not to mimic the ‘whip the back of the legs with a tea-towel’ move that some parents use on naughty children, because this will hurt like fuck.

2) Gag him — he won’t be able to control himself as you seductively gag him. Make sure the flannel is damp and not wet, as there is a small chance he might drown.

3) Water sports — A clean way to recreate a Golden Shower; simply squat over him and wring out the flannel. Works best if directed at your partner’s chest.

4) Play nurse — Put the damp flannel on his forehead as if he is unwell, then dress like a nurse and look after him. “Excuse me nurse, I don’t feel too good”.

“Well I’ll soon sort you out, fnarr fnarr!”

5) Chill Out — Place an icy cold damp flannel in front of a fan, get your man naked and watch him go all goose pimply as the cold air hits his body. Then warm him up with your mouth. Perhaps get really kinky and hang something from your erect nipples, like a coat-hanger or chocolate treat.

6) I don’t Adam and Eve it — Three damp flannels stuck teasingly over the breasts and lady garden will have him in a spell in no time. Imagine you are back in God’s garden; you have no idea what sex is yet; so go wild and invent something new. After all – it can’t be wrong can it? Nostril sex is best avoided.

7) Beads — A warm, damp flannel rolled tightly is the perfect substitute for anal beads. Look at his face as you pull them seductively from your puckering sphincter.

8) Hand Shuffle — Wrap his penis in a warm damp flannel then tug him to ecstasy. The flannel can then be used to mop up any spillages.

9) He’s in control — Take a few flannels and let him tie you to the bed and have his wicked way with you. Decide on a ‘safety word’ before hand so you can let him know once you’ve had enough. “Oh Yes!” is probably not the best choice.

10) Extra Tight — Pad yourself out to give your man the sensation he’s making love to a virgin. He’ll love you for this. Make sure the flannel is warm and very damp.