eBay Wanker

6 May

Last Friday, I sold a pair of Clarks Wallabees on eBay and from the moment the buyer messaged me about payment (“my mrs sorts that, but I can pay soon” etc), I KNEW he’d be a pain in the arse. Anyway, he messaged me today after receiving the item – and this is a genuine message exchange I had, with what I believe to be a fully grown man (excuse typos in his messages, I just copied and pasted):

Him (out of the blue today): You said in write up they are 7 and a half to an 8 are are big enough to be an 8, well these are no where near an 8 or a 7 an a half I can’t even get them on.not happy with them as they are too small

Me: Hi there- The label inside the tongue clearly shows 7.5 on the shoes themselves.
The description said “Size 7.5 but like most Clarks they are quite roomy so could fit an 8” – they ARE a 7 and a half – check the shoes. Cheers

Him: I’m a size 8 and can get in a 7 an half easy and I can’t get them on

Me: Can you check what it says on the label inside the tongue for me please. 7.5, right?

Him: You are right but that still don’t make them fit me

Me: Yes, I know I’m right, they are a 7.5 – it says so on the shoe itself.

Just relist them if you don’t want them – I do not offer returns, listing states “sold as seen”, and buyers are able to ask questions such as “how long is the shoe?” “Will it fit my big feet?” etc. I can’t see why you’re getting agitated because you can’t fit a 7.5 shoe. Do you not know your shoe size?

Him; I’ve already got a brown pair same size and they fit perfect and I will just open a case against you for refusing the return of them and I’m not agitated they don’t fit as all this no returns is rubbish as I have had to return money an item that didn’t fit even though I stated no returns eBay found in favour of the buyer so we will see what happens when I contact them

Me: Hahaha, contact them then – it’s not my fault your pair differs in size from the pair i sold – IT SAYS ON THE SHOE THE SIZE OF THEM. I HAVE PHOTOS OF IT WHICH I WILL SEND TO EBAY AS PROOF.
You sound like one of those typical shoddy buyers who complains about everything, looking for something for nothing. Complete timewaster, absolute fraud.

Him: shut up you mug and I guarantee you will lose lol ya peasant

Me: HAHAHAHA it’s 20 fucking quid, mate, and you’re moaning like a little kid. Peasant? Nope. I just dislike people who try and bend rules for personal gain. The listing I put up says the shoe is a 7.5. And guess what, the shoe is a 7.5. What can’t you see about how wrong you are?
THE SHOE IS A 7.5 AS LISTED.IT EVEN SAYS IT ON THE SHOE. Why don’t you write to Clarks and moan about their quality control? Fraud.

Him: We will see mug

Me: There should be a comma there after the word ‘see’.
No wonder your mrs controls your PayPal account if you can’t grasp simple things like the size of your feet. Also, I could report you to eBay for threatening language, but I’m not a grass.

Him: You are the one who has threatened me and don’t care you mug as you will lose lol
Me: You purchased a 7.5 shoe. you are raising a case to say they aren’t 7.5. The shoe even has 7.5 on it. Who’s the mug?

Him: Keep on trying to bully me div …

Me: I’m stating a fact.

Listing says: 7.5
Shoe says on the inside: 7.5
Shoe you bought: 7.5

Where’s the case? Seriously?
Just relist them If you don’t want them.

Him: You are the one who started all the verbal stuff so I naturally retaliated, but you have tried to bully me into not opening a case against you and I am just getting over a massive toad traffic accident in which I nearly died and you have bombarded me with your messages which I find unfair and I’m sorry for calling you a mug but like I said was defending my corner from your bullying, have a great day and many thanks for all your help in this matter.

Me; I was pointing out that the shoe states it is a 7.5 and I listed a 7.5. You can open a case if you wish but I don’t know what grounds there are if the shoe is a 7.5. I could understand it if I sent you a size 4 shoe or something.

In terms on bombarding you with messages, i have just replied to you each time, nothing more than that.

Apology accepted for being called a mug and a div.

Sorry to hear about your accident with the giant frog lol. Get well soon

~~~~~~~~~~~~~TWO DAYS LATER~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two days passed, and nothing. Not a word from him. “He’s backed down”, I thought to myself. “He’s finally accepted the fact that he doesn’t know his own shoe size”. That was until I received an email from eBay, telling me he’d opened a case against me, along with his ‘thoughts’ on the matter. They read like this (again – this is copied and pasted from eBay):

HIM – the sellar states they are sise 7 and a half,im a size 8 and a small size 8 and sometimes a 7 and a half ,i cant get them on my feet.he also stated that they are in good condition on the upper of the shoes,but there is a scuff around the front of the toe,and you can see the scuff in the pictures listed. So id like to return the item and get my money back please.

Now eBay always favours the buyer. Always. No matter what sort of moron you are dealing with, it’s all automated, so the seller never wins. There isn’t a voice of reason sat an eBay going “Oh yeah, this bloke is an absolute loon, let’s tell him to jog on”. They are too lazy for that.

I had two options. Offer a full refund, or, offer a partial refund. I opted for the latter. I couldn’t be arsed to receive the shoes back, relist them, package them up, send them out etc etc. Naturally, I offered the only amount that I thought would suit both parties – £7.50. I also got the opportunity to send a message to the buyer along with the offer. That message read as follows:

“Well, you did it. You raised a case and made me look like the mug you said you would. I’m sat at work holding back the tears, here. One thing that baffles me is that if you could see the scuff in the photo (the photo that was provided to show this scuff), why purchase them and THEN moan about it? Oh yeah, it’s because you’re an idiot. Please accept this partial refund of £7.50. Seven and a half pounds. 7.5. I understand this may not fit your needs, but I hope it compensates you in some way. Do what you want with the shoes – sell them on eBay if you like. You’ll make a good margin there. Cheers”

I didn’t hold up much hope in terms of him accepting the partial refund. mainly because I’d called him an idiot. But I didn’t care. Sure enough, I received another email from eBay 10 minutes later advising that he had declined the offer and that I now had to offer a full refund. No other option for me but accept it. This was followed by a message from the buyer:

HIM – You accept return on ebay so now I can print the label off and get then posted,many thanks will also leave great feedback. Pls let me know name and address.

I gave a false name (see below) and my work address, and it arrived back today:


I think that’s the end of it now. I have until 21st May to issue the refund, so I’ll probably keep him hanging for a while.

Fuck You, Cancer

17 Apr

‘Fuck You, Cancer’ is the story of my brother’s battle against Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. When he got diagnosed with the cancer in July 2012, I decided to keep a blog throughout his chemotherapy treatment to raise awareness, and to also give us both an outlet to express our thoughts and feelings about the whole process.

This book is a collection of the stories from the blog, and includes updates about his chemotherapy treatment and more, such as his pre-chemo sperm sample donation, and the wonderful ‘Farting Lady’ we met in the ward. Despite the subject (cancer, lol!) it is light-hearted and humorous throughout, as we attempted to take a different approach to his treatment, often poking fun at it when we could.

ANY MONEY THAT IS MADE FROM THE SALE OF THIS EBOOK WILL GO TO CANCER RESEARCH. I wanted to put it up for free on Amazon, but they wouldn’t let me (the bastards), so I’ve set the price at £1.50. Amazon take 50p of the fee you pay, anything else will be given to charity.

Just click the image below to be redirected to Amazon.

Go on, buy it, it's for a good cause

Go on, buy it, it’s for a good cause

Thank you.

Tortoises that look like Phil Mitchell

6 Feb
Head like a testicle

Head like a testicle


9 Jan

If you own a Kindle or have the Kindle app for your phone, you can purchase my Ebook. It contains all the best bits from this blog, and what’s more, it’s a bargain; just £0.77!

Things that cost more than my Ebook but aren’t as good and don’t last as long:

– A packet of biscuits

– Flowers

– A mail-order bride

– Lunch out at any fast food establishment

– Children

You get the idea…
To purchase Death on the Stairs for Kindle, please click the image below. If you do enjoy it, I’d be grateful if you could leave a good review on the Amazon website and perhaps even recommend it to friends. If you think it’s terrible, feel free to tell me.

You don’t have to buy it.

A few kinds words from people on Twitter about the book:

About the Ebook: Death on the Stairs is a collection of amusing life stories, from both my childhood and adult life, including embarrassing moments, juvenile pranks, sexual liaisons and more. The stories in this book are, at times, puerile and quite strange. Be prepared to find out about when I got so angry with someone that I hid something in my anus, or when a friend decided to take a poo in a pint glass. You’ll read about an audacious childhood revenge prank, my encounter with a celebrity, the time I embarrassed myself in a crowded bar and more.

I look back on when I was a youngster and remember some of the things that I got up to with my friends and at school. Life was carefree and easy, I had no real worries, and I could put all my energy into experiencing life and what it had to offer. Those were indeed the days – the summer holiday breaks where I’d stay out all day climbing trees, playing football, making dens and trying to burn small insects, although, as you’ll find out, I did get up to a few unusual incidents. Being (or trying to be) an adult is much more difficult. Writing about my more ‘adult’ experiences has been a good way of getting over the more embarrassing ones.

As well as these anecdotes, I’ve included other short pieces of fiction, poems and copies of spoof adverts that I managed to sneak into the local newspaper.


Sloths that look like Ian Beale

9 Jan
Look at his little face.

Look at his little face.

Stray Nipple Hair

14 Jun

This is, without a doubt, the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me. Let me set the scene; it was a glorious Sunday afternoon, the sun was shining and I was sat in the pub with a large group of friends. Also with us, were a few people I hadn’t met before, but were ‘friends of friends’, so, being the gentleman I am, I was chatting to them and trying not to make myself look a twat.

It was soon my turn to get a round of drinks in. I took everyone’s order and made my way to the bar, asking Sue, one of the girls I’d only just met, to give me a hand with them. At the bar, we had a bit of awkward, forced conversation whilst waiting for the drinks. It was then that it happened. The most God awful thing that will happen to me for a long, long while.

As we stood making small talk, I noticed that she had a solitary stray dark hair on her top. She was wearing a white blouse, so it stood out really clearly. The hair was only a couple of centimeters long and positioned near her right breast. As soon as the words, “Oh, you’ve got a hair on you”, came out of my mouth, I knew I was making a mistake, for my hand raised upwards towards the hair in a bid to remove it.

This itself was bad, because as already mentioned, it was on her tit. However, it was too late to stop myself. My finger and thumb grabbed at the end of the hair like one of those mechanical claws at a funfair, that people waste money on trying to win a teddy bear. Unlike the mechanical claw though, I made a good connection, and in one swift motion, pulled the hair up and away from her top.

What I was expecting to happen was that the hair would come free, I’d rub my hands together to deposit it on the ground, she’d thank me, and we’d return to our friends with the drinks.

Only it didn’t.

As I pulled the hair away, Sue’s whole boob lunged forward towards me;  as if it were trying to break free. I pulled once more, a little harder, and again a her boob came at me, this time with more purpose. Taken aback, I stopped pulling, BUT MAINTAINED CONTACT with the hair, still holding it in between my finger and thumb.

It took a while for my brain to compute what was happening, and slowly the realisation dawned on me that, yes, the hair was actually attached to her boob (at a guess I’d say on her areola, but I cannot confirm this) and was in fact poking through her blouse. I looked up and made eye contact with Sue, slowly releasing my grip on her stray nipple hair. She was crimson red, mouth agape, staring back at me like I was Hitler, Stalin and Mugabe all rolled into one person.

I turned and walked out of the pub.

A Practical Joke

2 May

For this practical joke you will need one length of spaghetti, and one banana. That’s it. Nothing else. It’s not hard. 

The straighter the banana is, the better; my example below probably isn’t the best, but that’s all I had in the house. Sorry.

Make a very small incision into the bottom of the banana. Young children may want to hide from any adults so that they don’t get told off for using a knife.

Next, push the spaghetti into the hole, and up into the middle of the banana. Get as much in as you can. PHWOOOAR!

Break off any excess spaghetti that you can’t get into the banana, and push the rest in so it is not visible.

Now, leave overnight. During this time, the spaghetti will go soft. Leave the banana in a fruit bowl for your unsuspecting partner to find, or take it to work and swap it for one that a colleague (you know; that one you REALLY hate) has brought in for their lunch. Then just sit and wait.

As they bite into it, they will find a stringy object inside (the now soft spaghetti), or better still, will take some of it into their mouth before spitting it out in disgust.  This is your chance to shine. Tell them that it’s probably a tropical worm of some sort, or “one of those banana tapeworms that they’ve been talking about on the news”. Make them feel queasy and watch them gag. Add things like, “I heard that once it’s in your system, they can stay in your body for up to 15 months, and sometimes they crawl back inside your anus when you attempt to shit them out”. Good luck.

Bald eagles that look lke Shirley from Eastenders

13 Apr

Just an observation.



Classifieds – Part 3

17 Feb

I have now received a ban from the newspaper for ‘consistenly breaching the terms and conditions’. Despite this, a few adverts continue to make it to print. Here are the latest, including a couple taken from the online edition, as I didn’t bother to buy the paper, thinking the adverts didn’t make it in.



Classifieds – Part 2

13 Jan

More adverts from the Bucks Free Press. Surely they’ll cotton on soon?


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