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Fuck You, Cancer

17 Apr

‘Fuck You, Cancer’ is the story of my brother’s battle against Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. When he got diagnosed with the cancer in July 2012, I decided to keep a blog throughout his chemotherapy treatment to raise awareness, and to also give us both an outlet to express our thoughts and feelings about the whole process.

This book is a collection of the stories from the blog, and includes updates about his chemotherapy treatment and more, such as his pre-chemo sperm sample donation, and the wonderful ‘Farting Lady’ we met in the ward. Despite the subject (cancer, lol!) it is light-hearted and humorous throughout, as we attempted to take a different approach to his treatment, often poking fun at it when we could.

ANY MONEY THAT IS MADE FROM THE SALE OF THIS EBOOK WILL GO TO CANCER RESEARCH. I wanted to put it up for free on Amazon, but they wouldn’t let me (the bastards), so I’ve set the price at £1.50. Amazon take 50p of the fee you pay, anything else will be given to charity.

Just click the image below to be redirected to Amazon.

Go on, buy it, it's for a good cause

Go on, buy it, it’s for a good cause

Thank you.

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Tortoises that look like Phil Mitchell

6 Feb
Head like a testicle

Head like a testicle

Ebook

9 Jan

If you own a Kindle or have the Kindle app for your phone, you can purchase my Ebook. It contains all the best bits from this blog, and what’s more, it’s a bargain; just £0.77!

Things that cost more than my Ebook but aren’t as good and don’t last as long:

– A packet of biscuits

– Flowers

– A mail-order bride

– Lunch out at any fast food establishment

– Children

You get the idea…
To purchase Death on the Stairs for Kindle, please click the image below. If you do enjoy it, I’d be grateful if you could leave a good review on the Amazon website and perhaps even recommend it to friends. If you think it’s terrible, feel free to tell me.

You don’t have to buy it.
(PLEASE BUY IT)

A few kinds words from people on Twitter about the book:

About the Ebook: Death on the Stairs is a collection of amusing life stories, from both my childhood and adult life, including embarrassing moments, juvenile pranks, sexual liaisons and more. The stories in this book are, at times, puerile and quite strange. Be prepared to find out about when I got so angry with someone that I hid something in my anus, or when a friend decided to take a poo in a pint glass. You’ll read about an audacious childhood revenge prank, my encounter with a celebrity, the time I embarrassed myself in a crowded bar and more.

I look back on when I was a youngster and remember some of the things that I got up to with my friends and at school. Life was carefree and easy, I had no real worries, and I could put all my energy into experiencing life and what it had to offer. Those were indeed the days – the summer holiday breaks where I’d stay out all day climbing trees, playing football, making dens and trying to burn small insects, although, as you’ll find out, I did get up to a few unusual incidents. Being (or trying to be) an adult is much more difficult. Writing about my more ‘adult’ experiences has been a good way of getting over the more embarrassing ones.

As well as these anecdotes, I’ve included other short pieces of fiction, poems and copies of spoof adverts that I managed to sneak into the local newspaper.

 

Sloths that look like Ian Beale

9 Jan
Look at his little face.

Look at his little face.

A Practical Joke

2 May

For this practical joke you will need one length of spaghetti, and one banana. That’s it. Nothing else. It’s not hard. 

The straighter the banana is, the better; my example below probably isn’t the best, but that’s all I had in the house. Sorry.

Make a very small incision into the bottom of the banana. Young children may want to hide from any adults so that they don’t get told off for using a knife.

Next, push the spaghetti into the hole, and up into the middle of the banana. Get as much in as you can. PHWOOOAR!

Break off any excess spaghetti that you can’t get into the banana, and push the rest in so it is not visible.

Now, leave overnight. During this time, the spaghetti will go soft. Leave the banana in a fruit bowl for your unsuspecting partner to find, or take it to work and swap it for one that a colleague (you know; that one you REALLY hate) has brought in for their lunch. Then just sit and wait.

As they bite into it, they will find a stringy object inside (the now soft spaghetti), or better still, will take some of it into their mouth before spitting it out in disgust.  This is your chance to shine. Tell them that it’s probably a tropical worm of some sort, or “one of those banana tapeworms that they’ve been talking about on the news”. Make them feel queasy and watch them gag. Add things like, “I heard that once it’s in your system, they can stay in your body for up to 15 months, and sometimes they crawl back inside your anus when you attempt to shit them out”. Good luck.

Bald eagles that look lke Shirley from Eastenders

13 Apr

Just an observation.

 

Squaaawwwkkk

Classifieds – Part 3

17 Feb

I have now received a ban from the newspaper for ‘consistenly breaching the terms and conditions’. Despite this, a few adverts continue to make it to print. Here are the latest, including a couple taken from the online edition, as I didn’t bother to buy the paper, thinking the adverts didn’t make it in.

 

 
 
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