Tag Archives: ITV

Gladiators

1 Jan

As I youngster, my usual Saturday afternoon would consist of hanging out with mates, playing football, Hide and Seek in the woods and pegging it away from houses that we’d chosen to ‘Knock and Run’ on. Then it was home for dinner; a takeaway if I was lucky, which I would eat sat in front of the TV watching my favourite program at the time; Gladiators.

Gladiators was pretty fucking immense. John Fashanu (Awooga!) and Ulrika Jonsson brought a gentle nature to proceedings; needed when surrounded by numerous Gladiators with their unforgiving attitudes. John’s wacky outfits and banter was ripe picking for Ulrika, who would often bounce a witty response back with great aplomb to Fashanu’s attempt at humour. Oh how we would chuckle to ourselves in my front room; my Dad would always remark on Ulrika, “Cracking bird isn’t she, that Ulrika? She should still do the weather in the mornings”. I would giggle and my Mum would throw a cushion at him.

Ulrika wasn't used to working with such a big tool. Or the Duel combat stick.

The contestants for the night’s show would then be revealed, including a short video clip of what they got up to in their normal everyday lives. I would take my empty plate out into the kitchen at this point; it was boring, I didn’t care what they did for a living. All I cared about were the Gladiators, they were my heroes, and in some cases, my wet dreams too. In no particular order, here is a list of my favourite Gladiators:

 Lampshade – She was the star lady for me. Her bronzed skin was lit up beautifully by the down-lighting off the bulb attached to the top of her head, covered by  the lampshade she wore to cover her face. Nobody quite knew what the lampshade was for. Many of my friends had suggested maybe she was missing an eye, or had been badly disfigured by a dagger whilst in training to become a Gladiator. Her signature move was called ‘Lights Out’ and this would be used in the event called Hang Tough. She would basically kick the contestant hard in the back of the head as they hung from the rings, knocking them out, and at the same time to the floor, making her victorious.

 Nightstalker– Not as muscular as many of the other male Gladiators, Nightstalker more than made up with this with his athletic body and devilish attitude. Nightstalker’s favourite event was The Gauntlet, and it was this event that gave him his moniker. Originally known as Gladiator X during training, Nightstalker shocked the producers of the show during The Gauntlet rehearsals by first choking his contestants with a silk neckerchief, before brutally raping them to submission. He famously received marriage proposals from the audience nearly every week, and also caused controversy when he made a small child eat the giant foam hand he was pointing at Nightstalker because he had called him an ‘angry idiot’.

 Aeroplane – This was the woman that all my mates fancied. With her brunette hair, soft pretty face, long slim legs and peachy arse, Aeroplane was definitely the Gladiator pin-up. The only hindrance to her ability to perform as a Gladiator, was her massive 38EE breasts, which she struggled to contain in her lycra top. Her nipples were also erect most of the time, not that we cared. Aeroplane was great at the cargo net, and her celebration dance would be to raise one leg above her head and strum it with her hand, as if it was a banjo. Perhaps, to her eternal embarrassment, the one stand out memory that most Aeroplane fans will have of her is the time she did a small fanny fart whilst being interviewed by Fashanu. Through tears of laughter, he managed to shout ‘Awooga!’ before wafting the air in front of his nose.

 Hunter – Hunter was always a formidable opponent for many of the contestants on Gladiators. With muscles on muscles, he resembled a condom filled with cocktail sausages, and with tribal war paint smeared all over his face, along with his menacing spear which he would use to stop people in their tracks, it was always a hell of a show when Hunter was on. One time, he threw his spear so hard, that it ripped through the shoulder of one male contender, and then carried on, wedging itself into The Awesome Travelator, rendering it useless for the Eliminator round. Instead, the two finalists had to have a head to head on a spacehopper. Hunter went on to play Dog the Bounty Hunter years later, where he would travel the globe in search of Bounties, as well as macaroons, body butter, and other coconut based products.

 Amazon – The only Gladiator that was a household name prior to the series starting, Amazon was played by Sharon Davies, the successful Olympic swimmer. Her career as a Gladiator though was far from impressive, as the distinct lack of water based challenges meant she was about as useful as a ginger in a heatwave. In fact, such was the ease at which contenders would beat her, she soon became water boy for all of the other Gladiators. Once the first series was over, she went on to play Gabby Logan, when she was ill and couldn’t make a TV appearance.

 Hippo – Only slightly smaller than Hunter, Hippo used a much different tactic during the rounds he competed. With his ebony skin, threatening sneer and bulging eyes it was a massive surprise to many to see that he was far from aggressive when it came to defeating his opponent. Rather than use brute force like all of the other Gladiators, Hippo would use charm and a softly spoken manner to talk contenders into a false sense of security, almost hypnotising them into a comatose state. It was a tactic since used by many, including Alison Hammond on This Morning. Hippo’s one standout moment came in series 2, when he drank four Panda Pops in a row before Duel, and still won.

 Cumquat – Probably the most agile and flexible of all the Gladiators, Cumquat was also very attractive. One of my mates at the time had her posters plastered all over his bedroom. Her signature move was the Cumquat Squat, used to great effect on Powerball, where she would rugby tackle her opponents, pin them down, squat over their stomach and feign defecation (although the Gladiators make-up department was so far ahead of its time in the nineties that it looked realistic). The sheer fright of being shit on would cause many contenders to drop out of the competition altogether. Cumquat also excelled at Swingshot (my favourite round) due to her snake-like hips and ability to almost float through the air.

 Golf – Golf was definitely the Gladiators’ pantomime villain. The audience would boo and hiss whenever he was on, but he was a really good Gladiator, particularly at The Wall. This was down to the fact he would use a driver, or sometimes a putter, to hook the legs of the contestants as they scarpered up the wall. In other rounds, he would take on the stature of a giant, by standing on the shoulders of his caddy. This was beneficial in rounds like Hang Tough where he could be hold onto the rings whilst his caddy stood on the floor. In fact, Golf was unbeaten on Hang Tough during his 6 year Gladiator stint. John Fashanu would always tease Golf, but it was all in jest and very good natured. Golf was such a popular Gladiator that whilst all of the others had ‘Another One Bites The Dust’ played after a victorious round of Hang Tough, Golf had his own version; ‘Another One Lands in the Sand.

Take Me Out Part 2

13 Sep

After sending my tongue in cheek application form to the producers of Take Me Out (see here: https://kylejwilkins.wordpress.com/2011/07/07/take-me-out/) I received a number of voicemails asking me if I would still like to go on the show. I think it is up to 5 currently.

 This was then followed up yesterday with the following email: 

From: XXX.XXXXXX@talkbackThames.tv
Sent: 12 September 2011 18:30:32

 Hi there.
Apologies for the ‘out of the blue’ message.
You recently applied to be a contestant on the third series of ITV1’s ‘Take Me Out’ hosted by Paddy Mcguinness.

We have tried to contact you offering you the opportunity to audition for the series and have yet to hear back whether you are interested.
If you are still keen, please email us back as soon as possible with a contact number as the deadline for applicants is fast approaching.

If, since you applied, you have found love or are no longer interested, then feel free to ignore this email.
Feel free to pass the application form on to anyone else you know that would be keen to apply.

All the best

XXX XXXXXXX
Associate Producer
TAKE ME OUT

 

I sent this reply this morning:

 

Hi,

Many thanks for your email. I must admit that I have received a number of voicemails, but as I’m quite tight with my money, I didn’t want to call back; instead hoping that I’d catch your next call at whichever inappropriate time it was that you chose to call me.

I am afraid to say that since applying to be on Take Me Out, I have actually found love. People say love is blind, well in my case, that is spot on, as Jane is actually blind (well, partially sighted anyway). We met, funnily enough, on a blind date as well, which one of my work colleagues set up.

When I first saw Jane, I was mesmerised; completely blown away. She looked stunning and really trendy too; just my type of girl. She looked so cool in her little sunglasses. I already knew that she was hard of sight so this came as no shock, however, quite why she wanted me to wear a red carnation to identify me was a bit strange, as she didn’t even notice me approach her at the table where she was sat!

Since meeting Jane, my life has improved a great deal. I’m excelling at work, I’m constantly happy and it’s great to have someone depend on me as much as Jane does. I am her eyes, she is my plaything. It’s a great relationship. She likes to leave me romantic notes around the house and although her handwriting isn’t the best, it always brightens up my day. In return, I leave little jokes and amusing anecdotes in Braille on the back of door handles so she gets a little giggle when entering a room. We even recreated the Lionel Ritchie ‘Hello’ video the other day when we decided to indulge in a bit of role-play.

So, it is with regret, that I am going to have to decline your offer of a place on the show. I do have one request though. When Paddy Mcguinness says ‘Let the Toffee, see the Apple’, for example; perhaps he should change this on the new series to, ‘Let the Toffee, see, or indeed feel, the Apple’, because not everyone can see.

Many Thanks.

 

I await a reply.

Take Me Out

7 Jul

For a laugh, I sent an email to ITV smash hit, Take Me Out, in an attempt to see what sort of idiots they look to accept on the program. I started with the following two emails:

 

From: admin@deathonthestairs.co.uk
To: takemeout@talkbackthames.tv
Subject: Application Form for the next series
Date: Tue, 18 Jan 2011 10:24:02

 

Good Morning,
 
I’d love, and I mean LOVE, the opportunity to find true love on the next series of Take Me Out. I’m a 26 year old man, and haven’t had the best of luck with the ladies. If I could sum myself up in 4 phrases, I’d say I was good looking, witty and an excellent mathematician. Despite these qualities, I just don’t get the chance to meet nice women. Maybe I’m looking in the wrong places? I just don’t know, but i’m sure you could hook me up with one of the 30 beautiful (ok, maybe 20) women on the show?
 
Please can you send me an application form so I can have a chance to appear on the show? If the worst happened and all the lights went off, at least I’d get a bit of man love from Paddy – what a guy!
 
I look forward to hearing from you.
Let the applicant, see the form.
 
Kind Regards,
===============================================================

From: admin@deathonthestairs.co.uk
To: takemeout@talkbackthames.tv
Subject: Application Form for the next series
Date: Wed, 19 Jan 2011 11:44:32

 Hello again,
 

I’ve just re-read my below email and realise that it may come across as quite sarcastic, rather than the eye-catching introduction I was hoping for. In any case, please can you send me an application form for the show so I can at least apply formally?
 
Many thanks in advance,
================================================================

 It wasn’t long before I received and application form back in reply. I filled it out as follows:

 

FULL NAME: (as on passport)
XXXX XXXXXXX 
FIRST NAME THAT YOU PREFER TO BE CALLED: AGE:
XXXXX  27
HOME ADDRESS:
XXXX XXXXXXX  
YOUR CONTACT NUMBERS
OFFICE: XXXXXXXHOME: As aboveMOBILE: As above
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS:admin@deathonthestairs.co.uk 
 
CITY OR TOWN ORIGINALLY FROM:
Aylesbury, Buckinghamshire 
ARE YOU:   SINGLE / MARRIED / SEPARATED / DIVORCED
Single 
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN MARRIED OR ENGAGED?  IF YES – HOW MANY TIMES?
No 
WHO DO YOU LIVE WITH?
My cat Yeti and a life size cardboard cut out of Kylie Minogue 
HOW TALL ARE YOU? (in Feet and Inches)
5 feet 8.5 inches (the half is oh so important!) 
CURRENT OCCUPATION:
Pirate 
PREVIOUS JOBS:
Paper BoyBuilder / PlastererPersonal Assistant
Fluffer
Purchasing Executive  for a computer software company
Burlesque Dancer 
DO YOU HAVE ANY QUALIFICATIONS?
A manual handling certificate from my last employers – I know how to lift boxes!
ARE THERE ANY DATES BETWEEN NOW AND NOVEMBER 2011 THAT YOU WOULD NOT BE AVAILABLE FOR AUDITIONS OR RECORDINGS?
Nope, I’m free whenever! “I’m freeeeeeeeeeeeee” 
DO YOU HAVE ANY MEDICAL CONDITIONS OR DISABILITIES WHICH WE SHOULD BE AWARE OF AND/OR ANY SPECIAL REQUIREMENTS – IF YOU ARE REQUIRED TO ATTEND AN AUDITION?
I have protruding ribs which means i can’t wear silly costumes 
HAVE YOU EVER APPEARED ON A TV SHOW? (Please give dates & details)
No – but, once i caught my reflection on the TV screen and thought I was! 

WE ARE HOPING TO HOLD AUDITIONS IN (OR NEAR) SOME OF THE FOLLOWING CITIES:

 

♥  MANCHESTER  ♥  LIVERPOOL ♥BIRMINGHAM  ♥  NOTTINGHAM  ♥ CARDIFF  ♥ BRISTOL  ♥

♥LONDON  ♥ BELFAST  ♥  LEEDS  ♥  NEWCASTLE  ♥ GLASGOW♥EDINBURGH♥

 

IF  OFFERED  AN AUDITION – PLEASE INDICATE BELOW YOUR 1ST & 2ND MOST CONVENIENT CITIES:

  1.        London 2.        Birmingham

Not everyone who applies for this show can be offered an audition. Auditioning does not guarantee a place on the show.

HOBBIES & INTERESTS?  (Please include sports, clubs, musical instruments you can play etc)
Dancing like a fool to the music on adverts, winding up cold callers, bumping into people who wear camouflage clothing and declaring ‘sorry, didn’t see you there’,  going to gigs, sumo wrestling, I play the guitar, socialising, doodling, laughing, sleeping, creative writing, tantric yoga, gardening, eating, watching and playing football and women’s volleyball (watching only!), hi-fiving random people when food shopping, running, reading teletext, people watching, sarcasm, stalking people and last but not least, yodelling. 
DO YOU HAVE ANY NICKNAMES? (If YES – please explain them)
Sandpaper – cos i shave my scrotum, and it has that texture 
HOW WOULD YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY DESCRIBE YOU?
A good laugh bordering on wind-up merchant, trustworthy, a bad dancer,modest,  kind, generous and creative. That’s if you got them on a good day! Otherwise, they might just say, “Oh, yeah, he’s alright. Bit of a knob, but we tolerate him”. 
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL TALENTS?  (Can you sing, dance, juggle, etc – special party piece)
I can play guitar. I can do a weird clappy thing that makes a wonderful echoey noise and I can make tunes with it. I can do a few card tricks. I can pat my head and rub my belly at the same time. I can make my eyes blink really quickly!I can fit most of a large cucumber in my mouth.All my toes are the same length.
I can do good accents! Welsh a particular favourite.  
WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT?
Touching Linda Lovegrove’s breasts in year 9 
DO YOU HAVE ANY UNUSUAL OR IRRITATING HABITS?
I like to fiddle with things, often to the point where I break them.
I drum my fingers against a lot of things.
I drink milk from the carton.
I squeeze spots. Not just my own.
I Photoshop my friends to make them look a bit fatter before I tag them in photos on Facebook.
I sing really loudly in the car.
I am indecisive. Actually no I’m not. Yes, yes I am 
WHAT QUALITIES WOULD YOUR IDEAL WOMAN HAVE? (looks, features, personality)
Looks wise, ideally she’d have a pretty face and a body, and that would suffice. 
HOW LONG WAS YOUR LONGEST RELATIONSHIP?
3 and a half years 
ARE ANY OF YOUR FAMILY MEMBERS SINGLE?SISTER / BROTHER / MUM / DAD / DAUGHTER / SON (Give details below of anyone aged 18+):
No, i’m the only one left! 
HOW DID YOU FIRST HEAR ABOUT APPLYING FOR THIS SHOW? (Please be specific, eg if it was a website please say which one or if it was an email please say who from)
I just went on the ITV website and sent a hopeful email through, then received this application form back! 
PLEASE GIVE US THE CONTACT PHONE NUMBERS OF TWO GOOD FRIENDS OR RELATIVES THAT WE COULD CONTACT IN CASE OF EMERGENCIES: (please state relationship)
XXXXXXXX
PLEASE  POST  FORM WITH PHOTO TO:                               

TAKE ME OUT, TALKBACKTHAMES TELEVISION, 1 STEPHEN STREET, LONDON W1T 1AL

 

OR EMAIL  WITH PHOTO TO:  takemeoutboys@talkbackthames.tv

APPLICATIONS WITHOUT PHOTOS WILL NOT BE CONSIDERED!

 Will you allow us to hold this info on our talkbackThames TV contestant database? 

 

YES

 May we pass this information on to our other quiz show programmes?

 

YES 

     

 So I emailed the above back.

 Today, I received a phone call. They want me on the show. This is 100% true!

%d bloggers like this: