It’s been a while since I’ve had the chance to write as I’ve been busy helping the police with some of their more important enquiries. Believe you me; you’ll be shocked when you hear what I have to say about my ‘friend’ Barry, known around the town as ‘The Man with the dodecahedron shaped head’.
He’s also now known as a dirty zoophile.
Barry has always been a bit of a quirky fellow. Firstly let me tell you about his head, it really is a grotesque affair; weirdly shaped with bumps and lumps coming out from every angle. It’s veiny, pale and has a texture similar to that of ET; half leather, half eczema. When Barry walks, his huge head flops about carefree, like his neck has given up trying to support it. When he speaks it’s painful to listen to. A long monotonous drone followed by a thirty second stutter and spittle. And that’s just him saying his name. Not only this, he has a habit of hording anything and everything. He’ll collect rubbish from around the town and hoard it under his bed, he’ll defecate into old lunchboxes and put them in his freezer and he’s started to collect dead animals; cats, squirrels, mice, pretty much anything he sees that hasn’t got a pulse.
Having said this, I’ve always liked Barry. We met at the village fete last year where I was running a ‘Splat the Rat’ stall. Barry was my last customer that day and my only winner. He refused to use the rounders bat I offered him, instead opting to smash the ‘rat’ with his bulbous forehead. I gave him his prize, a signed photo of Dave Benson-Phillips and we hit it off from there. Since then, we have met up at least once a week, normally round my house as I find the putrid smell that lurks around his pretty unbearable.
As much as I like Barry and get on with him, it is often difficult. The public aren’t too kind when they see Barry, and treat him like a modern day John Merrick. Abuse is hurled at him wherever he walks, and being a friend of his, I often get caught in the crossfire. I’ve often seen Barry chase after local youths that have called him a freak, armed with only a leather belt and the angriest grimace on his face you can imagine. His head, although slowing him down, can make a handy weapon. Friday nights are the worse, and I’ve taken to staying in on my own. “Oi! Dodecahedron head you ugly twat”, are the most frequent cries from drunken revelers. They like to poke him and laugh at his voice. I remember one man describing Barry’s groans like that of ‘Brian Blessed’s voice, only with a megaphone, whilst battering a baby seal with all his might’.
Anyway, the events of the last few days have put a lot of things into perspective for me. The most important things I’ve learnt from what has happened is never make friends with a weirdo, never talk to a freak and never ever trust a man with a dodecahedron shaped head. The reason? Almost all of them are dirty zoophiles. I’ve learnt from my lesson and I hope by writing down the events of the last couple of days, whoever reads this will too.
Last Thursday there was a knock at my door. I remember being a bit angered as I was playing Subbuteo against myself and actually winning for a change. I opened the door and smiling at me was Barry’s wide frog-like mouth.
“Arthur”, he said, foaming at the corner of his mouth slightly, “Fancy coming round to mine for a bite to eat?”
“I’ll pass on the food, but yeah, I can come round for a bit. Let me get my slippers on Barry and I’ll be right with you”, I replied.
Barry’s eyes lit up, I was the only person in the village that gave him any sort of time at all, he knew if I had have turned him down, he would have been forcing his faeces into Tupperware all afternoon, alone and upset. We set off from mine at about 12.30 and Barry’s house is normally a 5 minute stroll from mine, sometimes slightly longer if his head is more swollen than usual. However, Barry wasn’t intent on going straight to his house, he wanted to go via the park as “The fresh air helps my facial skin”, I remember him saying.
Now, you might not think this is strange, especially as it’s coming from the mouth of the dodecahedron shaped headed man. But, if I was to say that I had seen Barry sniffing the grass in the park where a couple of pigeons had copulated just a couple of days before, you’d have a slight air of suspicion about you. I did too. I knew this type of behavior wasn’t normal, and seeing someone with Barry’s looks displaying such behavior, only amplifies the strangeness of the situation.
We entered the park. There is a gravelly path which cuts through the middle of it, grass on either side of it, with a medium sized playground on one side next to a pond.”Can we, can we?!” Barry said in the manner of a drunken toddler. He was jumping up and down on the spot, head flailing about wildly and arm pointing at the park. I agreed we could stay for a while but being a grown up, and very mature man, I didn’t want to hang around for too long. I don’t want to dwell on the finer details, but there were about 3 ducks and 2 swans on the pond and two dogs with their owners near the slide.
Barry made his way over to the swings and brushed the tops of each seat gently with his hand as he walked passed. I sat on the first one I came too, but Barry looked about carefully before settling onto his swing, as if he was looking for a good position. A good position for what, I didn’t know at this point, I could tell though he wanted to be able to see the dogs playing, and birds swimming.
In a way I thought this was quite nice. I was thinking of Barry reminiscing about the time when he was young, being in the park with his parents, who are now deceased. I imagined Barry going back to an age where prejudices didn’t exist, and children played together and got on with each other without any problems. Barry has long been without anyone. He would come to the park and go into almost a trance like state. I visualized him in my head, holding hands with other children and singing ring-a-ring-a-roses. Little did I know, his thoughts were far from what I had envisaged. He was a pervert. A dirty, boulder headed pervert. And I was going to catch him out.
We stayed on those swings for about half an hour before I asked Barry if we could leave.
“Barry?”……”Barry?”…..”BARRRYYYY??!!” I had to bellow in his face. A small pool of drool had formed on the soft tarmac by his foot, not unusual for Barry, but there seemed to be a bit more than usual. He’s eyes stay transfixed on the two dogs.
“Let’s go” I said as I stood up from the swing. Barry followed from behind, almost hunched over. I thought it was the weight of his head, now I know the dirty secret he was trying to hide. Looking back to this moment, I should have seen the small bulge in Barry’s groin region, but like anyone that has ever seen Barry will tell you; it’s very hard to take you’re gaze away from his head.
Upon arriving at Barry’s house, he ushered me through to his living room. Sweeping a bird carcass and numerous empty packets of peanuts from the sofa, he offered me a seat. I brushed a few of the remaining feathers off the tattered upholstery and sat down.
“Would you like a drink of tea?” Barry spluttered.
“Please Barry; that would be nice”, I said, hiding my now growing fear about his mental state.
As soon as he was out of the room, I began looking for something. I didn’t know what, I just wanted evidence; something solid to go on. Something that would either prove me wrong and set my mind at rest, or would capture any dirty deeds Barry had been carrying out, and send the dodecahedron headed freak to prison.
I looked behind cushions, lifted carpets, opened draws and moved furniture. I was moving frantically but at the same time quietly, hoping Barry wouldn’t hear me as he could turn into an aggressive beast at the drop of a hat. I heard the click of the kettle as it finished boiling and knew I didn’t have long. Scampering around on my hands and knees, I spotted a silver object pushed firmly under the tight gap under the sofa. I snatched at it but it was wedged quite firm. Using the strength in my left wrist, I managed to push the sofa upwards, revealing a brand new laptop. I heard the clinking now of the spoons hitting the mugs as Barry stirred the tea. I stayed crouched by on the floor for what seemed like an eternity, but in truth was only about 30 seconds. As Barry walked towards the room, I decided to leave the laptop where it was and play it calm.
“My shoelace was undone” I said as Barry walked into the room.
He nodded and smiled as he handed me my tea, fortunately not noticing I had slippers on. His baggy eyelids probably played a part in this. We sat and talked for about 20 minutes. I was of a nervous disposition, sweating quite profusely, but Barry being Barry didn’t notice a thing. In my head I was trying to conjure a plan. How could I leave the house, armed with the laptop, without Barry noticing? Plans came into my head but I deemed them far too risky. There was only one thing for it.
“Take that you moron”. I flung my hot tea into the face of Barry and he yet out a loud shrieking cry, covering his face with his hands and falling to his knees. I lifted the sofa and grabbed the laptop making a run for the door. I could see Barry out of the corner of my eye starting to stand so I upped my pace and bolted out of the door, slamming it shut behind me. As I ran home, huge thoughts of doubt crossed my mind; what if Barry just liked animals? What if he wasn’t abusing them and I had just assaulted an innocent man?
I got home and went locked the door behind me. I shut every curtain in my house and made my way into the spare bedroom upstairs. The laptop whirred slowly as it started up, my heart was beating my against my rib cage so hard I could hear it. Once fully started up I began searching through the ‘My Documents’ folder.
There it was, a folder called ‘Fun’. I stopped for a deep breath and then opened it. What I saw will stay with me forever; images of Barry violating an array of animals. There were a couple of pictures of him fisting miniature horses and naked in bed with goats and sheep, all of whom I recognized from the local farm. There were more pictures of him, naked from the waist down, fellating various breeds of dogs. They looked happy, but you could see it in their eyes how uncomfortable they really were. There were hundreds of images of Barry receiving oral sex from birds. In one, what looked like a duck had its beak stuffed so full with Barry’s swollen member, his eyes were beginning pop out. In another picture, Barry was bent over with a live kipper dangling from his puckered anus, whilst Barry fingered a squirrel. It had its bushy tail tied upwards with a ribbon which had the other end attached to the ceiling. I’ll never forget the confused look in the squirrels face.
I felt sick but felt I had to look on. The next pictures I found were of Barry masturbating furiously over two chickens whilst smaller birds, possibly starlings, ate bird seed from the dents in Barry’s head. Barry had his tongue out, obviously enjoying the moment. There were more. One looked as though it was taken around Christmas time as there were decorations up. A badger was lay spread-eagled on the mould ridden floor, a mop protruding from its rear end. Barry was kissing it on the head, taking the photo with an outstretched arm. I started to look at pictures of Barry sodomising a tortoise when suddenly a thought hit me. Had Barry been violating and then killing these animals? It would explain the corpses in his house.
A small bit of acidic sick shot up my esophagus and into my throat, so I gulped it back down and sat in the darkened room; laptop still whirring quietly. I slammed it shut and started to sob gently. I let out tears for all the animals I had seen in those photos and the hundreds of others that probably met there untimely death to Barry, the man with the dodecahedron shaped head.
Gathering my thoughts, I went to the police station. I handed them the laptop and explained what had happened that afternoon and what I had seen Barry up to in previous weeks.
The next couple of days were traumatic to say the least. I had to give evidence against Barry and the local town found out what he had been up to. Phrases such as ‘Dodecahedron Dog Fiddler’ and ‘Freaky Mental Animal Sucker’ were daubed in graffiti onto Barry’s house.
I was proud with what I had done. Yes, I had lost a friend, but the man is crazy. I’ve found the locals to be a lot more friendly with me as well, more so than usual. I even received a £10 book voucher as a reward for putting Barry behind bars. There is a downside to all this though and that is the mental images that will scar my mind until the day I die. I hope all the animals that died may rest in peace, especially the miniature horse with the dreadlocks; I cannot ever imagine how he must have felt.
Apparently, Barry has tried to hang himself twice since his arrest, but on both attempts, his head proved too heavy and the noose snapped. He’s even tried to tar me with the same brush, saying I had intimate relations with a goat. What Barry doesn’t realize Is, that what I practice is a sport, not a sick fetish. I hope he rots in his cell, which, given the head size, may take a while…
Death On The Stairs 