The Alternative Do’s and Don’ts of the Office Christmas Party

5 Dec

The Christmas party; the one time where the company can give something back to you for all the hours you’ve put in during the year – the hours spent perusing the internet all day, annoying work colleagues and making tea, as well as getting paid to use the toilet.

However, there are a few golden rules that should be adhered to, to ensure the Christmas party doesn’t turn into a nightmare scenario for you; whether it be on the night itself, or in the week afterwards. With alcohol flowing freely, usually paid for by the company, it is easy to get carried away and end up calling your boss a twat, or French kissing the slapper from sales in front of everyone else, whilst you try forlornly to slip her a finger on the dance floor. But isn’t this what everyone wants to see? Course it is!

Here are my do’s and don’ts for the office Christmas party. Honestly, follow these rules and you’ll go down in office history.

DO – Act like you’re not really fussed about the fact there is a Christmas party. You’re in for trouble if it’s the only thing you talk about leading up to the party. If you get completely hammered and go on to insult a fellow employee, everyone will say, “I knew it would happen. He was so looking forward to it.” You won’t have a leg to stand on. Instead, adopt the ‘couldn’t care less’ approach. If someone asks if you’re going, say. “Umm, not too sure at the minute. I might do.” Not only will you not look as desperate as your co-workers to spend a night with them, but girls love a bit of mystery. You’ll be like the Fonz.

DO – Dress flamboyantly. Your aim for the Christmas party should be to drink as much as possible and draw as much attention to yourself as you possibly can. Ask the other people in your office what they are planning to wear and go against the tide. If all the blokes are wearing suits, opt for the Hawaiian shirt your mum bought you three Christmases ago. You’ll immediately stand out and thus will be remembered as ‘the hero who wore that Hawaiian shirt’. Similarly, girls, opt for something that you usually ware to the Litten Tree on a Saturday night, that still has vomit stains on it from last weekend’s shenanigans. Wearing a ball gown comes across as a bit ‘fuddy-duddy’ and will restrict any movements when you try and pole dance towards the end of the night  If possible, have both your boobs and legs on display. Nothing screams ‘PROMOTE ME!’ like this.

DO – Take advantage of the free drink. This is your chance to shine, and alcohol gives you courage, so you want to make the most of the night. Think of the following Monday when everyone else will be waiting eagerly at their desks for you to stroll in so that they can tell you what a ‘legend’ you are. Try and get everyone else up and dancing on the table. Be the life and soul of the party. Why not bring in your own karaoke machine from home in an effort to get everyone up and having a good time? Also, nothing says ‘Office Joker’ like being sick down your own shirt.

DON’T – Photocopy your arse. That is so 1990’s. Scrotums/tits are the way forward.

DO – Try and sneak a few drugs into the party. We all know the people in accounts are boring, so why not try slipping them a pill in a bid to heighten their enjoyment of the evening, as well as your enjoyment of them as a human being? Is there a buffet? There is?! Excellent; lace it with ketamine. Everyone will thank you for the wonderful time they had.

DON’T – Bother to say thank you to your boss or whoever organised the party. Act like it’s nothing special, and feel free to tell them so. If you tell them it’s a great night, they’ll immediately question the other nights you’ve had out in the year and will think, ‘If this is a good night, he must a very dull and boring person’. If possible, suggest venues that would have been a better option, maybe even drop in, “If i’m still here next year, perhaps we could do that?”. Your boss will think you’re ready to move on, and may offer you an improved salary.

DO – Bitch and spread rumours about fellow colleagues. This can be started a week in advance so you can enjoy the fireworks on the actual night, once alcohol starts to take its toll. Invent affairs that people are having, or say that Jim in Marketing keeps children in his shed. People may question the accuracy of these statements, but once fuelled with drink, they’ll actually ask the people in question if it’s true. You can sit back smugly and watch the confused looks, tears and tantrums.

DON’T – Keep your clothes on. You want to try and get naked by the end of the night. A good method is to go to the toilets and strip naked there. Then, you can emerge naked and streak across the dance floor, whilst all your fellow employees are sat dancing to ‘Oops Upside Your Head’. Run down the line, legs akimbo, either side of the people sat on the floor. Be sure to leapfrog the tall woman from HR so that you don’t catch your privates on her head. A move like this is instantly memorable.

DO – Talk about yourself as much as possible and try not to let other colleagues get a word in. Remember, you could all be competing for the same promotion, so you need to try and big yourself up as much as possible. Tell everyone about your hobbies, and by all means exaggerate. If you usually like ‘listening to music and socialising with friends’, tell everyone that you’re into ‘kayaking, saving rare breeds of bird, moonwalking, tantric sex and ice sculpture’. Possibly even drop into conversation about the novel you’ve penned but ‘can’t be bothered to send to a publisher, because it’s just a hobby really’. If someone tries to interject and chip in with their own hobbies, loudly say, “I HEARD YOU LIKED TO PLEASURE YOURSELF WITH FRUIT”.

DON’T – Be the office bore. Try and say at least one shocking statement that will spark a bit of debate around the dinner table before the dancing takes place. Something along the lines of, “Was Hitler really that bad?”

DO – Be the last to leave. By the end of the night, you’ll be in just your pants, all going well. You want to be doing Tequila Slammers at the bar with Fat John from I.T whilst he cries about the fact the girl in sales doesn’t love him. Watch everyone else leave and shout ‘BORING!” as they slope off into the night. Being the last one to leave means that you’ll be able to invent something amazing that happened that everyone else missed, like the DJ invited you back to his house and there were 4 supermodels, all gushers, that took it in turns to pleasure you.

Follow these steps, and you’ll be first on that promotion list. Good luck!

2 Responses to “The Alternative Do’s and Don’ts of the Office Christmas Party”

  1. downsizingandothertruths December 6, 2011 at 12:13 pm #

    I wish you had been at my office party…

    • deathstairs December 6, 2011 at 12:27 pm #

      I’m taking that as a compliment!

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