Tag Archives: shouting

A small boy gets what he deserves…

29 Jul

It was on my first lads holiday that this story happened. My friends and I were being harassed by those little pikey looking kids and old women that sell flowers and ‘lucky’ heather. I could see Steve getting more and more annoyed at one particular kid who would just not leave him alone; he kept pulling on Steve’s arm trying to get him to purchase a manky looking rose.

Despite numerous ‘no thanks’ and then a few ‘not today’s’, the kid would just not give up, and kept thrusting the flower in Steve’s face. We all carried on walking away from him but still he followed us; it was like he was taking enjoyment from winding us up. It was fucking annoying, but I shrugged it off, it happened pretty much every night and I had to admire their resilience as most people told them to fuck off as they approached.

After a good couple of minutes of being subjected to a very bad sales pitch, Steve finally snapped.

“CCCCCCUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNTTTTTT!!!”

He shouted with such ferocity that I thought his eyes would pop out. The little kid almost left the floor; I swear his head tipped back slightly from the force of the actual shout. He was obviously rattled and didn’t know what to do. He stood and stared blankly for what seemed like an eternity, whilst Steve sounded the ‘T’ of ‘cunt’ with fists clenched tightly and eyes closed. Steve was shaking slightly, getting every last bit of pronunciation out.

The kid then turned and ran – straight into a sandwich board outside a club. He hit it from point blank range, and with such a force, that he fell to the ground and the board collapsed on top of him. Steve was still hunched over, now shouting ‘cunt’ at nobody in particular, just the void which the little boy had left. We all started to laugh at the boy (who still had the flower clasped tightly in his hand) and he just lay, wondering what had just happened.

To top it all off, a rather rotund woman then went over to him and pulled him to his feet by his ear, before giving him a swift boot up the arse.

Nicolas Lyndhurst

7 Jul

I once saw Nicolas Lyndhurst enjoying a pint in the beer garden at a local pub. Having had a fair few myself, I thought I’d be brave and shout out to him.
Imagine the horror on my girlfriends face when I ‘accidentally’ shouted ‘Rodney you wanker!”. He actually smiled back and gave a knowing nod.

 

My new hobby was born;  shouting out incorrect catch phrases to celebrities. Steve Davis, the snooker player, was greeted as he walked into a supermarket with a cry of “one-hundred-and-eeeeiiiiigggghhhtttyyy” as I pointed excitedly at him.

 

Rolf Harris visited a local school, so I took the opportunity to go up to him and say, “Can you tell what it’s meant to be at the moment?” in a dodgy Australian accent.

 

The final one, was when I saw Ainsley Harriot strolling around on Oxford Street and I shouted ‘Awooga’ at him. He looked confused.

 

I really want to me Arnold Schwarzeneggar so I can say, “I’ll be back soon”.

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