Tag Archives: shit

Shitting off the wall…

23 Nov

Rowley whipped out his mobile phone and started to record me being sick. I hadn’t drunk an awful lot, but I’d been drinking on an empty stomach and so I was struggling to keep it down. Each time I felt some sick come up my throat I thrust my head forward and coupled this movement with a violent scream so that it looked like I was projectile vomiting. I know this is quite disgusting but we were merry and it amused us.

 

The sight of me appearing to be violently sick made Rowley laugh like a hyena. He struggled to hold his phone straight as he attempted to record me spewing onto the pavement. In fact, he laughed so much that he got a nose bleed. Until I witnessed this first hand, I didn’t think it at all possible. Rowley puts it down to the fact that he had a cold and had been blowing his nose a lot, but I still like to bring up ‘the time I made you laugh so hard you got a nose bleed’ with him now and again.

 

Anyway, when I saw that Rowley had a nose bleed, I asked him to pass me his phone. He handed it to me with one hand; his other was squeezing his nose, trying to stem the flow of blood from his nostrils. We were now both laughing at each other, and looking forward to watching the video back.

 

“Do you think we’ll get £250 for this on You’ve Been Framed?” I joked.

 

As I focused the camera onto Rowley, watching him try and mop up blood with leaves from the floor, I spotted something in the background on the screen. Taking my eyes away from the screen and looking at what was actually happening in front of me, I saw what it was that had caught my eye. On the head-height wall behind us squatted Ashley with his back to us, and he had his bum out.

 

“Rowley, look” I exclaimed, pointing out that Ashley was straining. We thought he’d gone home already as he was rather inebriated, but he’d obviously snuck back without us noticing. I returned to the camera and zoomed in, focusing on Ashley’s bum cheeks.

 

“Fuck me, he’s actually trying to have a shit” Rowley said enthusiastically and we both burst out laughing, not really believing what we were watching.  From the camera phone, I saw Ashley’s buttocks spread and the head of a fresh bog dolphin appear. Ashley remained focused on what he was doing, undeterred by the fact we were watching something that is normally private business.

 

I kept flicking the focus from Ashley back to Rowley, who was still bleeding from his nose, but when Ashley squatted even further, he got my full attention. The first turd was crimped off halfway through, by accident it appeared, as Ashley strained hard to get the other half free. Struggling to breathe, I had to get Rowley to take the camera and carry on the recording. We watched in amazement as Ashley quickly curled out another stool, which made a soft patting sound as it hit the pavement. As soon as it had left him Ashley adopted a standing position on the wall, still with his back to us.  There he stood, in silence, for 30 seconds or so, whilst Rowley and I rolled around on the floor in hysterics, being careful to avoid Ashley’s two steaming turds that sat proudly by the wall.

 

Still will filmed though waiting to see what he would do next. He didn’t disappoint.

 

Ashley quickly reverted to his squatting position on the top of the wall and steadied himself by holding onto a branch from a tree. Then, with his other hand, he began with the fastest bum wiping technique I think I will ever see. In one swift motion he would grab a leaf from the tree, swipe him arm downwards and round to his crusty sphincter.  He wiped as he passed his hand down and dropped the leaf to the ground. Then his hand would return straight back up above his head to grab another leaf, and the cycle would be repeated. I’m not exaggerating when I say he was getting through a wipe every 3 seconds using this method. He was going at it like a crazed man – to date it is one of the funniest things I have ever seen.

 

Eventually Ashley finished wiping. Still with his back to us, he pulled up his trousers and leapt off the wall, before running off up the road screaming like a small retarded animal. Rowley and I looked at each other and just carried on laughing. My jaw was actually aching I had laughed so much. There we were, seemingly alone, recording ourselves drunk, when Ashley had snuck back to find us and had become star of the show.

 

As you can probably imagine, the video spread like wildfire. We edited it so it cut Rowley and me out (although you could hear us wailing with laughter in the background still) and we would Bluetooth it to random people in the pub. One Friday night I sent it to a girl’s name that appeared on my Bluetooth and then looked around the pub trying to work out who had received it. I soon spotted a group of girls on the other side of the bar and they all gathered around to watch the video that an anonymous stranger had sent them. Through the cries of utter disgust, I heard one voice pipe up, “He’s wiping his backside like he’s on drugs”. That comments was enough to send a torrent of Guiness out of my mouth and across the table. I’d always wondered what a druggy looked like when they wiped their bum.

The Follow Through

3 Nov

As Sam queued up he felt a rumble in his stomach, but he didn’t panic. Renowned locally for the regularity and vileness of his farts, Sam was sure that this would be a run of the mill guff and nothing to write home about, not by his standards anyway.

 

Sam cocked one leg and pushed slightly. The escape of air was instant and he smiled reassuringly as the tang of his own insides reached his nose. He strained one last time to push the last of the gas through his colon and out of his arse hole, when disaster struck.

 

Sam felt a bubble of air that quickly popped and let loose a torrent of fizzy gravy that filled his pants instantly.

 

He’d shit himself in Jewsons.

 

Undeterred, Sam stood where he was, ignoring the stares he was getting from other people in the queue. The smell was vile, filling the air around him, but he remained focused on trying to look innocent. All he wanted to do was pay for what he was buying, and then leave, quickly.

 

Another customer was served and Sam stepped ever closer to the till, now feeling slightly ashamed, but in a funny way proud of the contents of his undercrackers. However, as he took a pace forward, things took a turn for the worse. The stride forward opened up his underwear, and sticky shit trickled down his leg, resembling more soup than fecal matter as it splattered onto the floor. Sam glanced around nervously to see the reaction of the other two people queuing up behind him, and more runny shit escaped from the bottom of his trousers.  The first man stood behind Sam had a look of utter disgust on his face. He tutted and walked out of the building. From behind him, another builder stepped forward to take his place in the queue, but he hadn’t spotted the mess on the floor in front of him. As he was looking directly ahead, it was the putrid stench that hit him first. It wasn’t until he scanned around, repulsed, that he saw the root of the smell, lying on the floor below Sam. He took a few steps backwards, and held his nose between his fingers.

 

Eventually, the bloke in front of Sam had been served, and he was now at the till. The girl serving was all too aware of the foul smelling air, and took the opportunity of a change of customer to glance over the counter. She spotted the mess on the floor and then looked at Sam. She looked back to the runny excrement and then to Sam again.

 

“Oh, have you had an accident?” she enquired.

 

“Yep!” replied Sam, with a grin on his face

 

The girl turned her back to Sam, picked up to phone and whispered down it. Sam struggled to make out what she was saying. After a short call, she turned back and started scanning the few items that Sam needed to pay for. Just as he was about to pay for his goods, he heard movement behind him. As he turned around, he saw a sight that made him ever so proud. A sight to behold, he tells me.

 

A maintenance man was spreading sand over the mess he’d made. Once done, he fenced it off with four cones before disappearing again.

 

Sam collected his items and headed off for the van, smiling. What an achievement.

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