Tag Archives: rant

Pointless Sports Part 2

20 Sep

Part 1: https://kylejwilkins.wordpress.com/2011/09/07/pointless-sports/

This is the second instalment of the ten of the most pointless sports in the world. In the first part, I covered polo, water polo, the hammer throw, bowls and curling; all sports which really don’t have any point or substance to them. The next five are as follows:

 6) Pole Vault – I’m not too sure how this sport came to be. All that is involved is running along with a flexible pole, which is then used to fling the competitor as high as possible in the air, over a bar. It’s boring to watch, unless the bar they are vaulting over, or indeed their pole, happens to land on them once they are sprawled on the crash mat. The sport would be much more entertaining if it involved vaulting over Polish people; I’m certain this would attract more spectators. The one thing the pole vault has going for it is the fact the competitors stand on the start line and wait for the slow hand clap from the 10-strong crowd to start up, only starting their run up when the clapping has reached its climax. But that’s it. It’s not exciting in the slightest. In fact, all it really is, is a ‘will they or won’t they make it’ scenario; like a really shit version of Heads or Tails, or a slightly better version of ITV ‘blockbuster’ Red or Black.

 7) Cross-Country – The bane of many school children throughout the country over the last 30-40 years, cross-country is more a form of punishment than it is a sport. Invented by sadistic head teachers from some of the top schools in the UK, cross-country has seen many a child almost die through forced participation. It is an unwritten rule that cross-country can only take place in freezing, windswept conditions, and can only be participated by children under the age of 16. These children are rounded up and shown the course, usually 2 laps around a muddy track, with the most unfortunate competitors having to run in vest and pants as they’ve forgotten their sports kit.  More concerned with their pre-pubescent cocks peeking out from beneath their pants, or the wind and rain messing up their hair and make-up; the kids will then be bellowed at as they struggle around the course. “RUN! DON’T WALK”, the most commonly heard phrase, as the course stewards (teachers, dressed in thermals and waterproof clothing), make sure everyone is giving their all, despite their best efforts to go as slow as physically possible. The end result is always the same; a hundred or so soaking wet kids, cold and exhausted, standing at the finish line waiting for the last competitor to finish. This person is usually, and let’s be brutally honest, fat. There is also a high chance that they will be crying. However, every competitor is united in one thing; the hate of cross-country.

 8) Cricket – A controversial inclusion I know, but cricket just doesn’t do anything for me. Two teams of men, dressed head to toe in white, smashing a really rather hard ball about a field isn’t really my cup of tea. There are a few variations on the game too, in a bid to try and appeal to a wider audience. Test cricket is a longer game, played over a number of days, the result of the game can be decided by the weather (yes, I know!), and the 20/20 game is a rather frantic affair, with each side bowling an agreed amount of balls whilst the other scores as many runs as possible. Both games are still, for me, dull. It doesn’t really have much of a pace to it, and a lot of the time, the result can be foreseen by the halfway point in a game, so it’s rare that there is a huge twist in the game. 10CC famously sang “I don’t like cricket, I love it”. I might do a cover version of it called ‘I don’t like cricket, it’s cricket’.

 9) Skiing – Grown adults put on garish looking shell-suit like clothing, and go speeding down a mountain as fast as possible with small runners on their feet and a pole in each hand for balance. How enthralling! I am of course being sarcastic; quite why anyone would want to speed down a mountain with NO brakes is beyond me.  Again, like cricket, there are variations on the sport. Slalom, sees the competitor speed down the mountain, zig-zagging their way through various flags. I’m not sure why they can’t just go in a straight line. Then there is another version, which I am unsure of the name and can’t be bothered to look for it, where there are various bumps and mounds of snow that the skiers have to go over. They jiggle about like a fat girl on top of a washing machine and that’s about it. Then there is the ski jump, where they slide down a huge platform, jump off the end of it and high into the air, leaning forward with their hands behind their backs in a very nonchalant and quite smug manner. All very different versions, but let’s not kid ourselves: it’s still skiing and it still takes place on cold, hard snow, on a mountain. Mountain are high, people fall off them.

 10) Formula 1 – I think I’ve saved the most pointless sport until last. Formula 1 is THE most pointless sport in existence, but attracts a huge audience. Why? As I see it, 20 or so cars line up on the starting grid, based on how fast they have driven in qualifying (which people actually watch!). Now this itself is down to the actual car and not the driver; I’m certain that any driver that finished last in a previous race, would come at least top 3 if he were to be put in the fastest car. It’s obvious, isn’t it? Once the first corner is out of the way, which sometimes, if you’re lucky enough, will see a few cars spin out or get overtaken. After the first lap, the overtaking is very, very limited, with cars only moving up positions if the one ahead of them goes in for a pit-stop. There is an exception to the rule; a ‘fast’ car may have had to start lower on the grid, and as you’d expect, they soon overtake the other drivers in front of them, regardless of the drivers skill or capabilities. Not very exciting really.

Then there are the spectators, who flock in their droves to watch the cars speed past them in a blur, from a distance of about a mile, as they cheer for a split second every time their favoured team or driver whizz past. What is the point? Formula 1 – you are a terrible sport.

Pointless Sports

7 Sep

Sport; a physical activity that is governed by a set of rules or customs and often engaged in competitively, is how the dictionary defines it. But sports can be so much more than that. Some are enthralling and captivating. They can bring thousands of people, countries even, together, or at the same time divide them, causing grown men to shed tears, shout at the television and argue incessantly amongst themselves. You cannot underestimate the power of sport.

 Having said that, some sports are completely pointless and quite frankly, terrible. Here are the first 5 of my top 10 pointless sports:

1) Polo – A group of posh men (the correct term for this is a ‘smug-ring of men’), ride around on horses, twatting a ball about with a long croquet stick. They are ‘cheered’ on by women wearing the latest in high fashion, and smarmy blokes wearing chinos or red trousers, with a Ralph Lauren jumper draped over their shoulders, whilst they drink Pimms and talk about how much money daddy has given them to live off for the year. Pretentious does not even come close to describing a polo match. Even the horses have delusions of grandeur, and look at commoners like they are scum, before trotting off to their stables to indulge in opium and high class hookers.

 2) Water polo – Now this would be good if horses were involved, instead though, it just consists of a two teams jumping around in a swimming pool, trying to through a ball into a net. It doesn’t really sound that entertaining. That’s because it isn’t. I think polo may have come about from middle-class people angry at the snobiness of normal polo enthusiasts, but it backfired because they invented such a crap game. It’s the sort of game you conjouled into playing on holiday by the over enthusiastic ‘reps’ that strut around pool trying to get as many people to indugle in family fun as they can. In reality, no one can really be arsed to play, because it’s rubbish.

3) Hammer Throw – This sport was came into existence in Romania, when an angry woman threw a hammer at her philandering husband. As he ran off, she threw more hammers at him, and locals were astounded at how far she threw them, each time hitting him or coming very close to doing so. The woman became a local celebrity, and it became custom for scorned women to grab the nearest hammer and launch it at their partner if he was found to be cheating on her. Soon, an annual event was started, where women from towns all over the country would see who could throw a hammer the furthest, cheered on by hundreds of people. Sadly, none of this is true, but it beats just saying, ‘people spin round briefly and then see how far they can throw a big hammer’.

4) Bowls – Not to be confused with ‘bowels’, a part of the intestine that connects to the anus; bowels is a popular sport amongst the elderly community. I’ve never really understood the appeal of it. Sure, there is a little bit of skill involved in getting your big ball next to the little white one, and players jostle to get as close as they can, applying curve and spin to each ball that they gently roll towards the marker. This is then all undone when the final ball is sent hurtling down the green, smashing every other ball in its path out the way, rendering the whole build up process pointless. Come to think of it, Bowels would probably be far more interesting, with thrills and spills aplenty.

5) Curling –  I’m not sure why anyone would want to go and watch a game of curling, it’s basically bowls but with brooms involved. Two teams clean the already clean ice to make it more smooth I think. I don’t properly understand why. If you get joy from using a broom than this is the sport for you. It reeks of male chauvinism (despite the fact men also play it) and would only be improved to a watchable game if all players had to be blindfolded.

Next 5 here: https://kylejwilkins.wordpress.com/2011/09/20/pointless-sports-part-2/

10 reasons why I hate shopping

22 May

Doing a weekly food shop is a pet hate of mine. There are so many things to get wound up about:

1) When people stand in front of the products I’m trying to get to and don’t bother moving out of the way, even though they can tell I need to get to the shelf. This infuriates me. Part of me wants to scream ‘MOVE, KNOBHEAD’, whereas the other part of me just wants to pick up a jam jar and caress their face with it. However, I’ve found the best thing to in this situation is to put both of your hands in your trouser pockets, jiggle them furiously, whilst making eye contact with the inconsiderate fool in front of you. This guarantees results, everytime.

2) People that eat stuff on the way round and then pay for the empty packet. Can’t they wait a few minutes until they’re outside? Better still; drop the empty packet on the floor.

3) The amount of people that follow the person who reduces prices around. So strange. ‘Yummy, a mouldy radish and a 25p slice of ham for dinner; bargain!’ They make me sick.

4) There is always something that I require out of stock, so I either have to wait for a couple of days to go back to the same supermarket, or drive elsewhere. Twice the pain.

5) People with bad trolley etiquette. You know the ones. They leave their trolley and go swanning off to get something else, but they leave the trolley sat in front of a popular shelf, such as the milk. I put random items in the trolleys of people that do this. I recommend cucumbers and Vaseline, if you’re thinking of giving this a go.

6) The fact that some people will walk up and down the aisle in front of the checkouts for about 10 minutes, waiting for one where they can get served immediately, when they could have just queued up and waited patiently and would have probably have been served by the time an empty checkout arrives.

7) Miserable checkout staff. Now, I know that I’d probably be as miserable as sin if I had to do their job, but if they hate it so much, then why don’t they leave? Most of them greet you with a forced and mumbled ‘Good Afternoon’, to which I usually reply, ‘Yes thanks, well, better than yours I imagine’. If they’re going to serve me looking like I’ve just inserted their nose into my sphincter, then I will rub salt into their gaping wounds. Also, I never let them help me with my bagging, because none of them have seemed to grasp the ‘double-bagging’ rule for heavy items.

8.) Old boys that plod around shops (with their wives) with their arms behind their backs, like some sort of military sergeant, inspecting the place.

9) The parking is always a nightmare. You’re looking for a parking space but there doesn’t seem to be one available. What’s this? Someone’s leaving – look; they’re loading their shopping into their car! Just wait here until they finish…. That’s it little shopper man, take your trolley to the trolley bay and then get back in your car…. What are you doing? Why aren’t you moving? …The reverse lights should come on in a bit and I’ll get in your space – It’s busy, there aren’t any others around. HURRY UP YOU FUCKING COCKSPANNER! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE? READING? FUCKING READING?! FOOORRRRGODDDDSAAAAAKKEEE! ARRGGHHH!
Also, I think that if the disabled spaces weren’t so close to the front of the store, people would be less inclined to park in them.

10) The trolleys that you have to ‘rent’ for £1. I never have a pound coin on me so I have to walk to a cash point, withdraw £10, go into the store, buy something pointless and get the change.Why do they bother? I know people steal trolleys, but in my opinion it would be even better to say to a mate,

“Do you like my trolley?”

“Yeah, it’s alright”

“Guess how much it cost me?”

“Go on”

“One pound! Fucking result!”

Fun House

20 Jul

I have heard a few dodgy rumours about the popular children’s television program Fun House, which revolve a lot around the mullet happy host Pat Sharp. I believe the following was happening on the show:

– The ‘Twins’ were in fact Pat’s daughters. That’s right; those two little blonde haired minxes were the offspring of Pat Sharp. He had in written into his contract that the Twins must always be on the show, as their good looks helped attract a larger audience, and, more importantly, a constant stream of contestants.

– The contestants would never actually leave the Fun House after the show had been filmed. Instead, they would be coaxed by the Twins into a basement underneath the apparatus of the final round, with party rings, ice cream and jam sandwiches. Once there, they would be subjected to a variety of tests carried out by the government, because Pat Sharp was in fact working for them. They used Pat’s friendly and sometimes wacky nature to its full extent.

– These tests included seeing how the children responded to violent films and computer games. They were also used to test make-up products and the Twins would apply heavy lipstick and mascara to the children to see if the products were safe for human use. The children were told that this was still part of the Fun house and that by completing the tasks, they could win their family a luxury holiday. They were made to pen letters to home stating that they had gone on the run and for the family not to look for them. Pat Sharp would stand over the children with a large baton in his hand whilst they did this.

– The tokens collected on the go-kart round were heavily coated in a sedative. As the young contestants inhaled the fumes from the tokens, they would grow weary and thus, would be easier to manipulate.

– Pat’s famous mullet concealed a secret flap on the top of his forehead, in which he kept a gun, secret government files and a bag of liquorice allsorts. If the twins ever stepped out of line, he would give them a sweet to make them behave. He had brainwashed them so that they believed what they were doing to the children was right. Sometimes, he would rent the Twins out as entertainers at childrens’ parties, but this was just so that the government could gain inside knowledge of more children.

– Before the show started, the theme song was played to the contestants over and over again. On the line ‘it’s a real crazy show, where anything can go’ – the volume was put right up so that the children started to believe anything could happen on Fun House. Also, when in the secret basement, Pat would gently whisper ‘Use your body and you brain if you wanna play the game’ repeatedly to the Twins, whilst running his fingers though his mullet. This was just for his own amusement.

So, there you have it. Fun House was in fact a government trap which was used to gain extra information about how the children of the country responded to various things

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