Tag Archives: overheard

Comments Overheard

6 Sep

These are things that I’ve heard people say over the last weeks or so. More will follow if I happen to overhear anything remotely interesting or stupid. I should mention, I don’t deliberately eavesdrop, much.

 Old lady to an old man, probably her husband, in the local park:

“George! Don’t look directly at the sun, you’ll burn your rectums!”

 Lady, in her thirties, to her son, who looked about six. This was outside a Chinese Takeaway:

“Jack, will you leave that bloody Rubik’s Cube alone for 5 minutes?”

 

 

In the office:

Girl 1 – “Oh my God, did you hear about Kate at one of our resellers?”
Girl 2 – “Kate Kate?”
Girl 1 – “Yeah, Kate!”
Girl 2 – “Whaaaaaat?!”
Girl 1 – “Well she had a brain tumour and died. She died Saturday”.
Girl 2 – “Oh my God! I knew she was ill. Oh my God!”
Girl 1 – “Yeah I know!”
Girl 2 – “Did you know her? Are you going to the funeral?”
Girl 1 – “Erm, kind of knew her. Well, we were friends on Facebook.”
Girl 2 – “Oh my God! What you going to do?”
Girl 1 – “I just deleted her as a friend.”

 

I have to work with these people

 

In the local park, a young girl to her father:

“Daddy, you look pretty today. You’re belly is very fat though”

 

It the office again, a different girl this time:

“How do you spell ‘whoa’ so that it says  ‘whoa’ and not ‘wow’?

 In Tesco. I’d like to know what this was about; a gentleman aged about 19 to his friend:

“Listen to me, I did not, and I repeat NOT, have a wank on the train”

 In Tesco again, the following night. Young girl to her mum:

Girl – “Mummy! I need a wee!

Mum – “You’ve just been for a wee!”

Girl –  “I still have some stuck in me”

 

In a pub, a man, mid-forties, gesturing to a Capri Sun carton drink behind the bar:

Man – “How much is one of those?”

Bargirl – “One pound eighty”

Man – “One pound eighty?! Are you taking my dog for a shit?”

Man ordered a lemonade. It cost him £2.10.

 

At the newsagents this morning, two men in their late twenties:

Man 1 – “Good weekend, mate?”
Man 2 – “Yeah, great thanks. You?”

Man 1 – “It’s confidential”.

Summer Loving

19 Aug

I was sat in a friend’s kitchen enjoying a few beers and cigarettes one Summers evening. As it was a warm night we had the patio door open to let a breeze in, and to let our cigarette smoke out. The conversation was flowing; we chatted about a vast array of subjects, the normal drunken topics such as what would win in a fight out of a kangaroo and a dolphin. We put the world to rights, we chatted about girls and we talked enthusiastically about football. It was a normal night.

 

Suddenly, over the top of our ramblings, we heard the easily recognisable sounds of two people rutting vigorously. Peering from the patio door into the garden, we saw the house backing onto our garden had a solitary bedroom light on and the window was wide open. We fell silent and sat and listened as the two lovers built up into a simultaneous climax, with the woman screaming, “Yes, Mark! Harder, Mark! Harder, Mark!” I felt bad for listening, but who wouldn’t? We held back the laughter and waited. As Mark spilt his creamy load he let out a huge groan of pleasure; he sounded like a walrus with a sore throat. Then, an eerie silence fell – I imagined that the rather vocal pair had collapsed, exhausted onto the bed; their naked bodies entwined, with the woman asking Mark if he loved her, and Mark trying desperately to go to sleep and/or hold in a fart.

 

After 30 seconds or so, we heard another neighbour, who to this day remains anonymous, start a slow hand clap (like those that a crowd does for Olympians as they prepare for a run up in the long jump), interspersed with shouts of “Well done Mark” and “good performance son!”

It was enough to gets us laughing properly and we joined in with the hand clap. Then, the bedroom

window of the lovers was slammed shut and we laughed even harder. Whoever the neighbour was that took it upon himself to start a slow hand clap; I salute you, Sir. You didn’t know we were listening as well, but you must have heard us laughing at your perfect comic timing. I hope you smiled a bit when you heard us.

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