Tag Archives: IKEA

IKEA – Why I hate it

11 Aug

One of the worst phrases that a man can hear in his lifetime is ‘Shall we go to IKEA this weekend?’ It’s up there with those other dreaded expressions such as ‘Time at the bar please’, ‘She lied about being 16’ and ‘You’ve got a terminal illness’.

 IKEA is a monumental waste of time and energy; an endless warren of paths and passageways leading the customer on a merry meander through the store. Once you’ve stepped inside, you can’t turn back. No, this is against the rules. You must follow the arrows that have been painted onto the floors until you reach the exit; but the exit never comes. Ok, it does, but only after at least a 3 hour rove through the narrow corridors, which only to widen so that they can fit in an example bedroom or a basket of 1000 cushions in front of your path. If you do make an attempt at turning back, you are soon ushered forward again by the brain-dead IKEA lovers who mope through the endless trails like cattle heading for slaughter.

 The choice on offer at IKEA is vast, but only a handful of any particular type of product is worth having. For every 300 shelving solutions on offer, only 1 would suit your home, but as luck would have it, you don’t really like it anyway. Then you’ve got the problem that if you do like it, you can’t fit it in your car to take home with you. FUCKSOCKS!

The only solution here, or for anyone who doesn’t like the crowds, is to use the IKEA website. Now this in itself is a much more enjoyable experience; no crowds, no getting tempted to buy things you don’t need and you can leave at any time. But this is where IKEA lulls you into a false sense of security.  Everything seems to be going smoothly and then, ‘WHAT IN SHITCOCKS NAME? IT’S £35 TO DELIVER A POXY LAMPSHADE?!’

 You see IKEA charge £35 delivery per order. It doesn’t matter how little or how much you order, you will always pay £35. Now this wouldn’t be too bad if you love decking your home out with IKEA sofas, wall units and beds, but if you just want to order a cutlery set, you still have to pay £35. It’s almost enough to make you go back and face the monotony of the place and the brain-dead public. Almost, but not quite, because when shopping at home you still have the luxury of being able to eat and drink when and what you like. In IKEA, they reward your impressive conquering of its many alleyways with a choice of either meatballs or an all day breakfast. Yum yum; food for all the family. I know some people that have actually gone to IKEA just for the meatballs. Why? Why do they do it? Are they insane? The meatballs have the texture of a dog’s testicle and taste worse (probably).

 I feel sorry for any man who is dragged to IKEA by his other half on a weekend. My thoughts go out to you, they really do. Is there anything worse? Josef Fritzl’s daughter will probably wish she was still hidden away once she visits IKEA. In fact it wouldn’t surprise me if IKEA release a ‘build-your-own-private basement’ package on the back of Fritzl’s ‘success’.  Other items I would suggest for their range include:

 –  The Anne Frank Storage Cupboard. A fantastic flat pack product that you can fit into the smallest of spaces, turning a previously unused space into a perfect storage solution.

 –  The Homo Pillow. A plumper, comfier pillow, built for durability for those that like to bite them.

 –   Michael Jackson Laminate Flooring. Perfect for moonwalking on, or for wiping up any, erm, mess

–    The Lenny Henry Mattress. Reinforced on one side in case you have a preference for fat birds.

I advise anyone to heed my advice. Give IKEA a wide berth, if your missus will let you…

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