Tag Archives: crap

Some Dirty Bastard has shat on the seat…

7 Jul

…were the words of disgust from the bargirl as she stepped out from behind the bar, face contorted with disbelief, coat hanger in hand. A few of us went silent, pints held inches from our open mouths.

“Erm, what’s the coat hanger for?”, someone asked. “Are you going to hang it out to dry?”

There was stifled laughter amongst my group of friends; I tried my hardest to get the image of a turd hanging gracefully on a washing line, swaying in the wind, out of my head.

“No. I’m going to knock it in with it.”

We fell about laughing. As the bargirl ventured into the murky gents toilets, talk turned to the culprit of such a heinous (but quite amusing nonetheless) crime. One friend, Ashley, was particularly quiet and wasn’t joining in much. Whilst most of us sniggered, and found the episode thoroughly enjoyable, he had gone quite coy. Fingers were soon pointed in the direction of Ashley.

“Shut up, she’s fucking livid” Ashley said, starting to turn crimson.

“Did you do it? Did you?”. We were all eager to hear his story, but after much probing, there was still no owning up from Ashley, despite all evidence pointing to him. He’d been to the toilets recently, and for quite a while. We carried on with the questioning until the bargirl returned from the gents, hand over her mouth, gagging.

“I can’t do it. It’s making me heave”.

With the evidence literally still sat there waiting, we ventured in to see the damage. As we piled into the gents, there were cries of both horror and joy. There, on the back on the toilet seat, was a perfectly formed baby toilet truffle, about 5 inches long. The damage to the fecal matter from the hook on the coat hanger was visible with a few vertical ‘stripes’ down the side of it where the bargirl had tried to hook it off the seat and into the bowl. This turd was sticking around it seemed.

With none of us brave enough to try and shift it, we spilled back out into the bar and returned to our pints. Simon grabbed Ashley’s phone from his hand,

“Just need to text…WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT??!!!”

Ashley’s head dropped. We all gathered round. There was the all the evidence needed to convict him of the crime right in front of us. A photo, taken on his mobile, which he’d been trying desperately to delete. We ribbed him mercifully.

“Why, Ash? Why?” one of us enquired.

“I just thought it would be a laugh, but then I saw her reaction”, he motioned towards the bar “and thought better of it.”

I wasn’t sure what to think, but things took a further twist.

“Ashley, in this photo, the shit is on the right hand side, but in the toilet, it’s slap bang in the centre. Why?”

“It looked better in the middle”, came Ash’s reply, and with that, we collapsed into fits of giggles once more

The Follow Through

3 Nov

As Sam queued up he felt a rumble in his stomach, but he didn’t panic. Renowned locally for the regularity and vileness of his farts, Sam was sure that this would be a run of the mill guff and nothing to write home about, not by his standards anyway.

 

Sam cocked one leg and pushed slightly. The escape of air was instant and he smiled reassuringly as the tang of his own insides reached his nose. He strained one last time to push the last of the gas through his colon and out of his arse hole, when disaster struck.

 

Sam felt a bubble of air that quickly popped and let loose a torrent of fizzy gravy that filled his pants instantly.

 

He’d shit himself in Jewsons.

 

Undeterred, Sam stood where he was, ignoring the stares he was getting from other people in the queue. The smell was vile, filling the air around him, but he remained focused on trying to look innocent. All he wanted to do was pay for what he was buying, and then leave, quickly.

 

Another customer was served and Sam stepped ever closer to the till, now feeling slightly ashamed, but in a funny way proud of the contents of his undercrackers. However, as he took a pace forward, things took a turn for the worse. The stride forward opened up his underwear, and sticky shit trickled down his leg, resembling more soup than fecal matter as it splattered onto the floor. Sam glanced around nervously to see the reaction of the other two people queuing up behind him, and more runny shit escaped from the bottom of his trousers.  The first man stood behind Sam had a look of utter disgust on his face. He tutted and walked out of the building. From behind him, another builder stepped forward to take his place in the queue, but he hadn’t spotted the mess on the floor in front of him. As he was looking directly ahead, it was the putrid stench that hit him first. It wasn’t until he scanned around, repulsed, that he saw the root of the smell, lying on the floor below Sam. He took a few steps backwards, and held his nose between his fingers.

 

Eventually, the bloke in front of Sam had been served, and he was now at the till. The girl serving was all too aware of the foul smelling air, and took the opportunity of a change of customer to glance over the counter. She spotted the mess on the floor and then looked at Sam. She looked back to the runny excrement and then to Sam again.

 

“Oh, have you had an accident?” she enquired.

 

“Yep!” replied Sam, with a grin on his face

 

The girl turned her back to Sam, picked up to phone and whispered down it. Sam struggled to make out what she was saying. After a short call, she turned back and started scanning the few items that Sam needed to pay for. Just as he was about to pay for his goods, he heard movement behind him. As he turned around, he saw a sight that made him ever so proud. A sight to behold, he tells me.

 

A maintenance man was spreading sand over the mess he’d made. Once done, he fenced it off with four cones before disappearing again.

 

Sam collected his items and headed off for the van, smiling. What an achievement.

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