Tag Archives: carriage

Train Piss

23 Dec

Going for a piss on a train is never easy. The gentle sway of the carriage makes aiming difficult and it can be hard to choose between using a hand to steady yourself or to hold your nose to alleviate the stench of the often rancid surroundings. Attempting to urinate on a train whilst drunk, into an empty can of beer however, is even more of a challenge, and it is a position I found myself in not too long ago after a night out.

Rowley and I had a carriage to ourselves. It was 1 o’clock in the morning and so there weren’t too many passengers, especially as we were travelling from High Wycombe to Princes Risborough. We were both drunk, but in good spirits, laughing about the nights events and looking forward to getting off the train for a well deserved cigarette. The journey itself is only about 15 minutes long, but halfway through, I felt my bladder expanding rapidly, pushing against my trousers.

Everyone knows what it’s like once you’ve broken the seal after a few alcoholic drinks; you need to go to the toilet all the time. Unfortunately, I hadn’t been for a while and I felt as if I could actually wet myself for the first time in years.

“Fuck me, I’m desperate for a piss, where are the toilets?” I asked Rowley, too lazy to look for them myself. Rowley looked up from his phone and along the carriage.

“Just down there, look” he said, pointing.

 I walked out of the carriage in which we were sat, and into the next one, which was only occupied by one old man. Fit to burst, I began to think about the warm tingly feeling I’d get after releasing such a buildup of urine. As always, things were not that simple.

Before I had even reached the toilet door, the reek of a freshly deposited turd hit me, making me gag instantly. The air was a foggy haze, and the thought of inhaling somebody else’s airborne poo particles made me retch again. I daren’t even open the toilet door. If the smell was this bad outside, what monstrosity would I face inside? Images of skid-marked porcelain flashed before my eyes and I only just managed to keep down a small amount of vomit which had crept up my throat. How the old bloke sat in this carriage could put up with the smell, I wasn’t sure, unless it was him that had committed this heinous crime.

Turning around quickly, I made my way back to where Rowley was sat; now jiggling around on my feet like a toddler, desperately trying not to wet myself.

“I’m not going it there, it’s fucking disgusting” I said to a now rather amused Rowley.

Scanning the carriage, I spotted equipment that I felt I could use in such an emergency. By one set of seats there sat two empty beer cans, and a large coffee cup. I picked up the coffee cup and pulled off the plastic lid, grateful that the items I had spotted were not some sort of mirage brought on by the fact I needed to urinate immediately.  The relief I felt as I finally let all pent up fluid out was sensational, and I let out a sigh to signify such a feeling.

The cup was soon almost full, so I tensed and held my bladder whilst I quickly put the cup down and picked up one of the beer cans. This time, aiming was not as easy as I didn’t have much of a hole to aim at. Instead I had to let my piss trickle out slowly but at least it was coming out. I had another disadvantage whereby I couldn’t see how much of the can I had filled, but this was solved when I felt the metal go warm around my fingers. It was time to swap cans.

By now I had built up a bit more confidence and was peeing at a more normal speed into my last available receptacle. Rowley was sat a few seats back, chuckling to himself, all the while calling me a dirty bastard. I had to tell him to stop laughing because in turn it was making me laugh, thus adding to the difficulty of my challenge.

“Are there any more cans up by you”, I asked Rowley, mid-piss.

“Nope”

“Oh, shit. This one is nearly full as well”. I was starting to worry. Rowley just laughed once more.

 I was holding the final can at the top waiting for the metal to go warm, but it was now heavy and I knew that I’d almost reached its capacity. For a second time, I held my bladder and placed the can down by the other full one. We were still a couple of minutes from our stop and there was no way that I could keep the last of this piss inside me, especially not now I was over half way through. It wanted out.

There was only one thing for it. Not wanting to go all over the floor, I waddled over to a bin near one of the carriage doors. It was only about 2 foot off the ground, so I had to squat whilst I finished off my business. Once done, I zipped up and returned to my seat, exhausted but content. I felt ashamed and also had a pang of guilt because I knew some poor soul would have to clear the bin out the following day. Then I remembered why I had to piss in the bin in the first place and thought that cleaning the bin would be nothing compared to what lay in store in the actual toilet.

“Are you ok now?” asked Rowley

“I really needed that” I replied.

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