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Pointless Sports

7 Sep

Sport; a physical activity that is governed by a set of rules or customs and often engaged in competitively, is how the dictionary defines it. But sports can be so much more than that. Some are enthralling and captivating. They can bring thousands of people, countries even, together, or at the same time divide them, causing grown men to shed tears, shout at the television and argue incessantly amongst themselves. You cannot underestimate the power of sport.

 Having said that, some sports are completely pointless and quite frankly, terrible. Here are the first 5 of my top 10 pointless sports:

1) Polo – A group of posh men (the correct term for this is a ‘smug-ring of men’), ride around on horses, twatting a ball about with a long croquet stick. They are ‘cheered’ on by women wearing the latest in high fashion, and smarmy blokes wearing chinos or red trousers, with a Ralph Lauren jumper draped over their shoulders, whilst they drink Pimms and talk about how much money daddy has given them to live off for the year. Pretentious does not even come close to describing a polo match. Even the horses have delusions of grandeur, and look at commoners like they are scum, before trotting off to their stables to indulge in opium and high class hookers.

 2) Water polo – Now this would be good if horses were involved, instead though, it just consists of a two teams jumping around in a swimming pool, trying to through a ball into a net. It doesn’t really sound that entertaining. That’s because it isn’t. I think polo may have come about from middle-class people angry at the snobiness of normal polo enthusiasts, but it backfired because they invented such a crap game. It’s the sort of game you conjouled into playing on holiday by the over enthusiastic ‘reps’ that strut around pool trying to get as many people to indugle in family fun as they can. In reality, no one can really be arsed to play, because it’s rubbish.

3) Hammer Throw – This sport was came into existence in Romania, when an angry woman threw a hammer at her philandering husband. As he ran off, she threw more hammers at him, and locals were astounded at how far she threw them, each time hitting him or coming very close to doing so. The woman became a local celebrity, and it became custom for scorned women to grab the nearest hammer and launch it at their partner if he was found to be cheating on her. Soon, an annual event was started, where women from towns all over the country would see who could throw a hammer the furthest, cheered on by hundreds of people. Sadly, none of this is true, but it beats just saying, ‘people spin round briefly and then see how far they can throw a big hammer’.

4) Bowls – Not to be confused with ‘bowels’, a part of the intestine that connects to the anus; bowels is a popular sport amongst the elderly community. I’ve never really understood the appeal of it. Sure, there is a little bit of skill involved in getting your big ball next to the little white one, and players jostle to get as close as they can, applying curve and spin to each ball that they gently roll towards the marker. This is then all undone when the final ball is sent hurtling down the green, smashing every other ball in its path out the way, rendering the whole build up process pointless. Come to think of it, Bowels would probably be far more interesting, with thrills and spills aplenty.

5) Curling –  I’m not sure why anyone would want to go and watch a game of curling, it’s basically bowls but with brooms involved. Two teams clean the already clean ice to make it more smooth I think. I don’t properly understand why. If you get joy from using a broom than this is the sport for you. It reeks of male chauvinism (despite the fact men also play it) and would only be improved to a watchable game if all players had to be blindfolded.

Next 5 here: https://kylejwilkins.wordpress.com/2011/09/20/pointless-sports-part-2/

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