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Classifieds – Part 2

13 Jan

More adverts from the Bucks Free Press. Surely they’ll cotton on soon?

 
 
 
 
 

 
 
 
 
 
 

The Classifieds

6 Jan

I’ve taken great pleasure in sneaking these items into the classifieds section of the Bucks Free Press.

 
 
 
 

 

Sign Sabotage

5 Jan

One marker pen, a sheet of paper, my local park,  2 quiet mornings and immaturity were all it took to achieve this:

Gladiators

1 Jan

As I youngster, my usual Saturday afternoon would consist of hanging out with mates, playing football, Hide and Seek in the woods and pegging it away from houses that we’d chosen to ‘Knock and Run’ on. Then it was home for dinner; a takeaway if I was lucky, which I would eat sat in front of the TV watching my favourite program at the time; Gladiators.

Gladiators was pretty fucking immense. John Fashanu (Awooga!) and Ulrika Jonsson brought a gentle nature to proceedings; needed when surrounded by numerous Gladiators with their unforgiving attitudes. John’s wacky outfits and banter was ripe picking for Ulrika, who would often bounce a witty response back with great aplomb to Fashanu’s attempt at humour. Oh how we would chuckle to ourselves in my front room; my Dad would always remark on Ulrika, “Cracking bird isn’t she, that Ulrika? She should still do the weather in the mornings”. I would giggle and my Mum would throw a cushion at him.

Ulrika wasn't used to working with such a big tool. Or the Duel combat stick.

The contestants for the night’s show would then be revealed, including a short video clip of what they got up to in their normal everyday lives. I would take my empty plate out into the kitchen at this point; it was boring, I didn’t care what they did for a living. All I cared about were the Gladiators, they were my heroes, and in some cases, my wet dreams too. In no particular order, here is a list of my favourite Gladiators:

 Lampshade – She was the star lady for me. Her bronzed skin was lit up beautifully by the down-lighting off the bulb attached to the top of her head, covered by  the lampshade she wore to cover her face. Nobody quite knew what the lampshade was for. Many of my friends had suggested maybe she was missing an eye, or had been badly disfigured by a dagger whilst in training to become a Gladiator. Her signature move was called ‘Lights Out’ and this would be used in the event called Hang Tough. She would basically kick the contestant hard in the back of the head as they hung from the rings, knocking them out, and at the same time to the floor, making her victorious.

 Nightstalker– Not as muscular as many of the other male Gladiators, Nightstalker more than made up with this with his athletic body and devilish attitude. Nightstalker’s favourite event was The Gauntlet, and it was this event that gave him his moniker. Originally known as Gladiator X during training, Nightstalker shocked the producers of the show during The Gauntlet rehearsals by first choking his contestants with a silk neckerchief, before brutally raping them to submission. He famously received marriage proposals from the audience nearly every week, and also caused controversy when he made a small child eat the giant foam hand he was pointing at Nightstalker because he had called him an ‘angry idiot’.

 Aeroplane – This was the woman that all my mates fancied. With her brunette hair, soft pretty face, long slim legs and peachy arse, Aeroplane was definitely the Gladiator pin-up. The only hindrance to her ability to perform as a Gladiator, was her massive 38EE breasts, which she struggled to contain in her lycra top. Her nipples were also erect most of the time, not that we cared. Aeroplane was great at the cargo net, and her celebration dance would be to raise one leg above her head and strum it with her hand, as if it was a banjo. Perhaps, to her eternal embarrassment, the one stand out memory that most Aeroplane fans will have of her is the time she did a small fanny fart whilst being interviewed by Fashanu. Through tears of laughter, he managed to shout ‘Awooga!’ before wafting the air in front of his nose.

 Hunter – Hunter was always a formidable opponent for many of the contestants on Gladiators. With muscles on muscles, he resembled a condom filled with cocktail sausages, and with tribal war paint smeared all over his face, along with his menacing spear which he would use to stop people in their tracks, it was always a hell of a show when Hunter was on. One time, he threw his spear so hard, that it ripped through the shoulder of one male contender, and then carried on, wedging itself into The Awesome Travelator, rendering it useless for the Eliminator round. Instead, the two finalists had to have a head to head on a spacehopper. Hunter went on to play Dog the Bounty Hunter years later, where he would travel the globe in search of Bounties, as well as macaroons, body butter, and other coconut based products.

 Amazon – The only Gladiator that was a household name prior to the series starting, Amazon was played by Sharon Davies, the successful Olympic swimmer. Her career as a Gladiator though was far from impressive, as the distinct lack of water based challenges meant she was about as useful as a ginger in a heatwave. In fact, such was the ease at which contenders would beat her, she soon became water boy for all of the other Gladiators. Once the first series was over, she went on to play Gabby Logan, when she was ill and couldn’t make a TV appearance.

 Hippo – Only slightly smaller than Hunter, Hippo used a much different tactic during the rounds he competed. With his ebony skin, threatening sneer and bulging eyes it was a massive surprise to many to see that he was far from aggressive when it came to defeating his opponent. Rather than use brute force like all of the other Gladiators, Hippo would use charm and a softly spoken manner to talk contenders into a false sense of security, almost hypnotising them into a comatose state. It was a tactic since used by many, including Alison Hammond on This Morning. Hippo’s one standout moment came in series 2, when he drank four Panda Pops in a row before Duel, and still won.

 Cumquat – Probably the most agile and flexible of all the Gladiators, Cumquat was also very attractive. One of my mates at the time had her posters plastered all over his bedroom. Her signature move was the Cumquat Squat, used to great effect on Powerball, where she would rugby tackle her opponents, pin them down, squat over their stomach and feign defecation (although the Gladiators make-up department was so far ahead of its time in the nineties that it looked realistic). The sheer fright of being shit on would cause many contenders to drop out of the competition altogether. Cumquat also excelled at Swingshot (my favourite round) due to her snake-like hips and ability to almost float through the air.

 Golf – Golf was definitely the Gladiators’ pantomime villain. The audience would boo and hiss whenever he was on, but he was a really good Gladiator, particularly at The Wall. This was down to the fact he would use a driver, or sometimes a putter, to hook the legs of the contestants as they scarpered up the wall. In other rounds, he would take on the stature of a giant, by standing on the shoulders of his caddy. This was beneficial in rounds like Hang Tough where he could be hold onto the rings whilst his caddy stood on the floor. In fact, Golf was unbeaten on Hang Tough during his 6 year Gladiator stint. John Fashanu would always tease Golf, but it was all in jest and very good natured. Golf was such a popular Gladiator that whilst all of the others had ‘Another One Bites The Dust’ played after a victorious round of Hang Tough, Golf had his own version; ‘Another One Lands in the Sand.

10 ways to keep your man happy – using only a damp flannel

9 Dec

After the success of my XXXmas post (https://kylejwilkins.wordpress.com/2011/12/06/xxxmas/) , I realised that not everyone likes Christmas and so, would not have many of the festive accessories suggested for use in the bedroom to hand.

As a result, I’ve complied a short list of 10 ways you can please your partner with an item that every household is bound to have; a damp flannel. Why spend hundreds of pounds at Agent Provocateur when you can please your man on the cheap? So sit back, read and then go and grab that flannel from the bathroom – things are about to get damp, in more ways than one.

1) Gentle Spanking — Whip him gently with a warm, damp flannel over his back, his thighs and  shoulders. Watch his toes curl. Careful not to mimic the ‘whip the back of the legs with a tea-towel’ move that some parents use on naughty children, because this will hurt like fuck.

2) Gag him — he won’t be able to control himself as you seductively gag him. Make sure the flannel is damp and not wet, as there is a small chance he might drown.

3) Water sports — A clean way to recreate a Golden Shower; simply squat over him and wring out the flannel. Works best if directed at your partner’s chest.

4) Play nurse — Put the damp flannel on his forehead as if he is unwell, then dress like a nurse and look after him. “Excuse me nurse, I don’t feel too good”.

“Well I’ll soon sort you out, fnarr fnarr!”

5) Chill Out — Place an icy cold damp flannel in front of a fan, get your man naked and watch him go all goose pimply as the cold air hits his body. Then warm him up with your mouth. Perhaps get really kinky and hang something from your erect nipples, like a coat-hanger or chocolate treat.

6) I don’t Adam and Eve it — Three damp flannels stuck teasingly over the breasts and lady garden will have him in a spell in no time. Imagine you are back in God’s garden; you have no idea what sex is yet; so go wild and invent something new. After all – it can’t be wrong can it? Nostril sex is best avoided.

7) Beads — A warm, damp flannel rolled tightly is the perfect substitute for anal beads. Look at his face as you pull them seductively from your puckering sphincter.

8) Hand Shuffle — Wrap his penis in a warm damp flannel then tug him to ecstasy. The flannel can then be used to mop up any spillages.

9) He’s in control — Take a few flannels and let him tie you to the bed and have his wicked way with you. Decide on a ‘safety word’ before hand so you can let him know once you’ve had enough. “Oh Yes!” is probably not the best choice.

10) Extra Tight — Pad yourself out to give your man the sensation he’s making love to a virgin. He’ll love you for this. Make sure the flannel is warm and very damp.

XXXMas

6 Dec

Women; are you struggling to think of a present to buy your man this year?  I might just be able to help you as I’ve come up with 10 ways to please your lover over the festive period.

1) Chocolate Starfish: The star on top of your tree doesn’t have to be just for decoration. Use your imagination; this five pointed anal probe will have your man’s toes curling all the way into the New Year.

2) Away in a minge: ‘No crib for a bed’? Well he has now! Simply let him inside you, for the whole night! He won’t want to sleep anywhere else once he’s comfy in your mutton pocket of love. Try not to roll over in the night, and keep refreshments close to hand.

3) Christmas Cracker: Hide small gifts and treats in and around your body for your partner to find as he explores you. Leave the jokes and party hats to one side on this one. Go one step further and treat his gutstick like a cracker; pull it until it explodes.

4) The Turkey Dinner: Turn over, bend your elbows upwards, and let your man give you all the stuffing you’ll both need this Christmas.

5) The Mummy: You may need a friend to help you with this one. Wrap yourself up, head-to-toe, in wrapping paper. Once the paper has been ripped off, your partner is greeted with a naked treat.

6) White Christmas: If you feel brave enough, invite a few of his mates round for a bukkake session.

7) The Mistletoe: Give your partner a sensual foot job. Use you toes to stimulate his prostate.

8) Tinsel Tease: Tie your man up to the bed with tinsel, then slowly tickle his body with it. He’ll beg you to let him enter you. See how long you can go on for. For added Christmas naughtiness, encourage your man to shout, “I am Santa and I’m emptying my sack” once you finally give in and let him roger you senseless

9) Naughty Fairy: Dress like a fairy and piss all over his chest. Guaranteed to make him rock hard! Feeling adventurous? Try doing this with a broom handle up your arse.

10) Frosty the Snowman: Try trailing ice cubes over each others bodies, then warm each other up anyway you want. He’ll love those rock hard ‘midget gem’ like nipples.

The Alternative Do’s and Don’ts of the Office Christmas Party

5 Dec

The Christmas party; the one time where the company can give something back to you for all the hours you’ve put in during the year – the hours spent perusing the internet all day, annoying work colleagues and making tea, as well as getting paid to use the toilet.

However, there are a few golden rules that should be adhered to, to ensure the Christmas party doesn’t turn into a nightmare scenario for you; whether it be on the night itself, or in the week afterwards. With alcohol flowing freely, usually paid for by the company, it is easy to get carried away and end up calling your boss a twat, or French kissing the slapper from sales in front of everyone else, whilst you try forlornly to slip her a finger on the dance floor. But isn’t this what everyone wants to see? Course it is!

Here are my do’s and don’ts for the office Christmas party. Honestly, follow these rules and you’ll go down in office history.

DO – Act like you’re not really fussed about the fact there is a Christmas party. You’re in for trouble if it’s the only thing you talk about leading up to the party. If you get completely hammered and go on to insult a fellow employee, everyone will say, “I knew it would happen. He was so looking forward to it.” You won’t have a leg to stand on. Instead, adopt the ‘couldn’t care less’ approach. If someone asks if you’re going, say. “Umm, not too sure at the minute. I might do.” Not only will you not look as desperate as your co-workers to spend a night with them, but girls love a bit of mystery. You’ll be like the Fonz.

DO – Dress flamboyantly. Your aim for the Christmas party should be to drink as much as possible and draw as much attention to yourself as you possibly can. Ask the other people in your office what they are planning to wear and go against the tide. If all the blokes are wearing suits, opt for the Hawaiian shirt your mum bought you three Christmases ago. You’ll immediately stand out and thus will be remembered as ‘the hero who wore that Hawaiian shirt’. Similarly, girls, opt for something that you usually ware to the Litten Tree on a Saturday night, that still has vomit stains on it from last weekend’s shenanigans. Wearing a ball gown comes across as a bit ‘fuddy-duddy’ and will restrict any movements when you try and pole dance towards the end of the night  If possible, have both your boobs and legs on display. Nothing screams ‘PROMOTE ME!’ like this.

DO – Take advantage of the free drink. This is your chance to shine, and alcohol gives you courage, so you want to make the most of the night. Think of the following Monday when everyone else will be waiting eagerly at their desks for you to stroll in so that they can tell you what a ‘legend’ you are. Try and get everyone else up and dancing on the table. Be the life and soul of the party. Why not bring in your own karaoke machine from home in an effort to get everyone up and having a good time? Also, nothing says ‘Office Joker’ like being sick down your own shirt.

DON’T – Photocopy your arse. That is so 1990’s. Scrotums/tits are the way forward.

DO – Try and sneak a few drugs into the party. We all know the people in accounts are boring, so why not try slipping them a pill in a bid to heighten their enjoyment of the evening, as well as your enjoyment of them as a human being? Is there a buffet? There is?! Excellent; lace it with ketamine. Everyone will thank you for the wonderful time they had.

DON’T – Bother to say thank you to your boss or whoever organised the party. Act like it’s nothing special, and feel free to tell them so. If you tell them it’s a great night, they’ll immediately question the other nights you’ve had out in the year and will think, ‘If this is a good night, he must a very dull and boring person’. If possible, suggest venues that would have been a better option, maybe even drop in, “If i’m still here next year, perhaps we could do that?”. Your boss will think you’re ready to move on, and may offer you an improved salary.

DO – Bitch and spread rumours about fellow colleagues. This can be started a week in advance so you can enjoy the fireworks on the actual night, once alcohol starts to take its toll. Invent affairs that people are having, or say that Jim in Marketing keeps children in his shed. People may question the accuracy of these statements, but once fuelled with drink, they’ll actually ask the people in question if it’s true. You can sit back smugly and watch the confused looks, tears and tantrums.

DON’T – Keep your clothes on. You want to try and get naked by the end of the night. A good method is to go to the toilets and strip naked there. Then, you can emerge naked and streak across the dance floor, whilst all your fellow employees are sat dancing to ‘Oops Upside Your Head’. Run down the line, legs akimbo, either side of the people sat on the floor. Be sure to leapfrog the tall woman from HR so that you don’t catch your privates on her head. A move like this is instantly memorable.

DO – Talk about yourself as much as possible and try not to let other colleagues get a word in. Remember, you could all be competing for the same promotion, so you need to try and big yourself up as much as possible. Tell everyone about your hobbies, and by all means exaggerate. If you usually like ‘listening to music and socialising with friends’, tell everyone that you’re into ‘kayaking, saving rare breeds of bird, moonwalking, tantric sex and ice sculpture’. Possibly even drop into conversation about the novel you’ve penned but ‘can’t be bothered to send to a publisher, because it’s just a hobby really’. If someone tries to interject and chip in with their own hobbies, loudly say, “I HEARD YOU LIKED TO PLEASURE YOURSELF WITH FRUIT”.

DON’T – Be the office bore. Try and say at least one shocking statement that will spark a bit of debate around the dinner table before the dancing takes place. Something along the lines of, “Was Hitler really that bad?”

DO – Be the last to leave. By the end of the night, you’ll be in just your pants, all going well. You want to be doing Tequila Slammers at the bar with Fat John from I.T whilst he cries about the fact the girl in sales doesn’t love him. Watch everyone else leave and shout ‘BORING!” as they slope off into the night. Being the last one to leave means that you’ll be able to invent something amazing that happened that everyone else missed, like the DJ invited you back to his house and there were 4 supermodels, all gushers, that took it in turns to pleasure you.

Follow these steps, and you’ll be first on that promotion list. Good luck!

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