Food Experiences

20 Jun

Everyone likes food, especially obese people. I sometimes think that I wouldn’t be able to live if it wasn’t for food. Here are a few tales and tips about food that I can offer you.


Toast – If you like toast then you’ll love playing Toast Rally Challenge with your friends. The aim of the game is simple; devour as much toast as you can, with the victor winning nothing in particular apart from praise from his or her mates. Put 4 slices of bread (or 2 if that’s all you can fit) into a toaster and wait for them to magically turn into toast. As soon as they pop up, remove from toaster and replace with bread, and turn the toaster back on. Ideally, another helper should be buttering the toast you’ve just removed, ready for consumption whilst you are doing this.
Next, start munching your way through as much of the first batch of toast as possible before the second batch is ready. As soon as the next batch pop up, rinse and repeat the process. I have found that with 4 slices of toast, 2 people can compete head to head, taking half each, just finishing by the time the next batch is ready. If you can only fit 2 slices of bread into your toaster, you must take it in turns. Once you are full, you lose, or if the toast accumulates, you lose. Accumulation is normally determined by another batch of toast popping up without any of the previous batch being eaten. The winner is the person who consumes the most toast before either of these scenarios happen.


Eggs – I often stay at my mum’s house if I go out in the town where I grew up, just to save money on a taxis when the night ends. Plus, she normally has better food in her cupboards.
Just before Christmas, I invited a couple of friends back for a few drinks once the pub had closed. Unbeknown to me, my mother had also been out, and was already upstairs in bed, trying to sleep off her drunken state.
After about 15 minutes of sitting in the kitchen, laughing and drinking with my mates, the kitchen door burst open. In staggered my bleary eyed mum, who then proceeded to walk over to the fridge, take out an egg, amble over to me, and smash it open on the top of my head, before pointing her finger at me and saying ‘Keep the fucking noise down’.


Eggs hurt – so treat them with respect.


Chicken – When cutting into a chicken kiev, always look away. It hurts like a bitch when it spits its creamy load into your face.


Cheese on Toast  – One slice of bread, a few slices of cheese, turn the toaster on its side, insert bread and cheese, turn the toaster on and there you have it; Cheese on Toast.


Tea – A few years back I was laying on my bed, tugging myself silly whilst listening to music through my earphones. I had my eyes closed as I tried to delve into the back of my wank bank.
The music was quite loud, so I didn’t hear my mum knock at the door. She walked in with a tray of tea and biscuits, and saw me frantically pulling my plonker. Things got worse. She pulled my earphones out and put them to her ear.


“Celine Dion??!!”.


It was. I had been caught listening to Celine Dion. The shame*


*may be fictional


Fish – I like the taste of fish, I like eating fish, and I like that fish are in the sea; so that they can’t disturb me with their scaly bodies and flappy movements. Not all fish are in the see, and there is one in particular that I wish was; the meanest of all the fish: The Silverfish.
My first flat was very clean and tidy, but at night, hundreds of silverfish would dart across the bathroom floor. I tried to kill them but they’re nippy little fuckers, and I only managed to assassinate a couple. I hate silverfish. Why did they want to live in my bathroom? What is the point in silverfish? Does the presence of silverfish mean my bathroom was dirty?
Silverfish scare me. Wikipedia refers to them as fishmoths and carpet sharks. Horrible little things are Silverfish. Do not attempt to catch one and eat one.


Not all fish is bad. I was once bent over the bed, kipper hanging out of my puckering anus, swaying slightly as I steadied myself. My ex was taking gentle nibbles from the fish, she loved the stuff and the smell didn’t even put her off. She was soon naked and lapping up kipper like there was no tomorrow.
” Nyom ,nyom nyom, kipper” she said as she got more and more into it.
“Do not mock my religion!” I shouted and punched her in the head. Fasting makes me angry


Burgers – An ex of mine came out with this classic line: “Does a bacon burger have bacon in it?”. Probably explains why she is my ex.


Chocolate  – I once had the toy from a Kinder Egg pulled from my anus.
It was still contained within the yellow ‘shell’ so I was able to put it together ok, although the instructions felt a bit warm. Do not put chocolate in your sphincter, it is a silly thing to do.


Crisps – The IT manager where I work  once answered the phone with, “Hello, erm, sorry, i’m going to have to call you back. I’ve got a crisp in my eye.” I think he’s doing it wrong.


Seafood – I has a  bad experience with an older lady. I put 6 oysters up her velvet pocket but sucked out 7. I’m not sure what the extra one was.

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