10 reasons why I hate shopping

22 May

Doing a weekly food shop is a pet hate of mine. There are so many things to get wound up about:

1) When people stand in front of the products I’m trying to get to and don’t bother moving out of the way, even though they can tell I need to get to the shelf. This infuriates me. Part of me wants to scream ‘MOVE, KNOBHEAD’, whereas the other part of me just wants to pick up a jam jar and caress their face with it. However, I’ve found the best thing to in this situation is to put both of your hands in your trouser pockets, jiggle them furiously, whilst making eye contact with the inconsiderate fool in front of you. This guarantees results, everytime.

2) People that eat stuff on the way round and then pay for the empty packet. Can’t they wait a few minutes until they’re outside? Better still; drop the empty packet on the floor.

3) The amount of people that follow the person who reduces prices around. So strange. ‘Yummy, a mouldy radish and a 25p slice of ham for dinner; bargain!’ They make me sick.

4) There is always something that I require out of stock, so I either have to wait for a couple of days to go back to the same supermarket, or drive elsewhere. Twice the pain.

5) People with bad trolley etiquette. You know the ones. They leave their trolley and go swanning off to get something else, but they leave the trolley sat in front of a popular shelf, such as the milk. I put random items in the trolleys of people that do this. I recommend cucumbers and Vaseline, if you’re thinking of giving this a go.

6) The fact that some people will walk up and down the aisle in front of the checkouts for about 10 minutes, waiting for one where they can get served immediately, when they could have just queued up and waited patiently and would have probably have been served by the time an empty checkout arrives.

7) Miserable checkout staff. Now, I know that I’d probably be as miserable as sin if I had to do their job, but if they hate it so much, then why don’t they leave? Most of them greet you with a forced and mumbled ‘Good Afternoon’, to which I usually reply, ‘Yes thanks, well, better than yours I imagine’. If they’re going to serve me looking like I’ve just inserted their nose into my sphincter, then I will rub salt into their gaping wounds. Also, I never let them help me with my bagging, because none of them have seemed to grasp the ‘double-bagging’ rule for heavy items.

8.) Old boys that plod around shops (with their wives) with their arms behind their backs, like some sort of military sergeant, inspecting the place.

9) The parking is always a nightmare. You’re looking for a parking space but there doesn’t seem to be one available. What’s this? Someone’s leaving – look; they’re loading their shopping into their car! Just wait here until they finish…. That’s it little shopper man, take your trolley to the trolley bay and then get back in your car…. What are you doing? Why aren’t you moving? …The reverse lights should come on in a bit and I’ll get in your space – It’s busy, there aren’t any others around. HURRY UP YOU FUCKING COCKSPANNER! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE? READING? FUCKING READING?! FOOORRRRGODDDDSAAAAAKKEEE! ARRGGHHH!
Also, I think that if the disabled spaces weren’t so close to the front of the store, people would be less inclined to park in them.

10) The trolleys that you have to ‘rent’ for £1. I never have a pound coin on me so I have to walk to a cash point, withdraw £10, go into the store, buy something pointless and get the change.Why do they bother? I know people steal trolleys, but in my opinion it would be even better to say to a mate,

“Do you like my trolley?”

“Yeah, it’s alright”

“Guess how much it cost me?”

“Go on”

“One pound! Fucking result!”

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